Tag Archive: Relationships


See that kid? Yup that’s me. I was probably 7 years old in that pic. It was taken with my friend/cousin Natasha in Mighty Kids, the children’s ministry at Faith Landmarks.

Today, I had a moment of clarity wherein I realized you don’t have to say everything you think, fix everything that’s broke. You learn as you mature that the more adult thing to do, sometimes, is to leave things where they lay. You learn we don’t need to address everything, comment just because thoughts are in our heads, fix every broken pot or glass, you learn to hold your tongue and your peace.

I guess that’s a grown up thing….

see this chick? Yeah, that’s me now, or me six months ago.  Supposedly I’m an adult. At least I’m trying to act like one.

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love is #fb

I’m a self cynic, i’ll admit. Matter of fact, that is probably one of the first things I inform people.

I’m a self cynic, seeing my glass as half empty and yours half full.

So love, yeah…. Love is one of those things.

I don’t believe in fairy tales.

I don’t believe we should go kissing some frogs and hope the prince comes out.

I don’t believe in Plato and Edgar Cayce’s ideas of androgynous souls who were two souls together, male and female,spilt by the greek gods, out of fear, forever doomed to wander the earth searching for their other half. The one who completes and complements them.

i believe love is complicated. i believe love is a choice. i believe love is, what it is. not defined by a textbook, not define by the best philosophers or thinkers, but defined by our actions and willingness to stay.

Love is probably one of the most earth shattering, head turning in delight, awesome yet soul shaking experiences ever. Love is complicated. The realization of love for someone is possibly the most frightening experience of human existence while also doubling as the most enlightening. Enlightening because you see what you reflect, what you want to be, don’t want to be.

love is…. what you make it.

Here’s the dreaded beginning of relationship posts…… Gotta ‘love’ it.

WARNING:  sometimes my posts are like alcohol before noon, its just to early for that. I tend to be a polarizing personality, so either you’ll be completely offended by the statement above and leave my site or you’ll be intrigued to read on.

Infidelity & America, wow!

I’ve been pretty silent throughout the Tiger Woods ordeal, didn’t quite understand it when Clinton was doing his dirt, lets not forget my televangelist brothers and sisters who did the same, but now here’s Jesse James.

Jesse James, CEO of West Coast Choppers, has been in the press the past few days for apparent infidelity. I only comment now, as I woke up and read the tweet from the Washington Post that James is apparently entering rehab for ‘personal issues’.  When I read that I assumed he was there because he’s a “sex addict”. Now please understand, I’m not judging, just asking a question.

Why is it that America makes celebrity infidelity seem like an addiction problem,specifically a sex addict, whereas in people like you and me we’re just plain ole cheaters?

Now, I’m not coming at this with a blind eye, not at all! I was the girl who was in a relationship with a guy for almost 2yrs and he cheated, multiple times. Cheating is a real thing, but how do you define it?

I’ve heard people say the worst kind of cheating is the emotional kind, where your sharing emotions and not just a physical relationship. They’ve point blank said, sex is something you can get over, but sharing your dreams and emotions with someone your not with is worse. I don’t know how I feel about that.

So all in all,  here are my questions:

  1. How do you define cheating? Is it physical, emotional, or both?
  2. Is there a difference between a wandering eye and having a sex addiction?
  3. What does God say about this?

Answer away!

Just a note from my perspective

I believe the bible. I believe what  Jesus said, that when you look at someone with the wrong eyes you’ve committed adultery because its been done in your heart. I believe in a one man, one woman relationship. I believe in faithfulness. I believe that we should faithful to whom we are with as Christ has been faithful to use ( remember your supposed to love your wife/husband as Christ loved the church?)

* I didn’t post any female cheaters because I couldn’t think of any off the top of my head, not picking on guys, some of us ladies are worse. Also, I don’t drink, in case your wondering…. I like to post a little something provocative to scare away the religious folks.

There are some things, people, places that will break your back, if you don’t break it.

* this blog might be alittle scattered, I have a mild concussion…..oh yeah!

Manipulation, Control, Neediness….

WOW!

The past few weeks have been a healing process for me. I totally realized what exactly he had me under. I realized the faithfulness of God, in allowing this relationship to be ripped apart, knowing it wasn’t heathly for either one of us. All my life I prayed to do God’s will, knowing that living in His fullness would bring my greatest joy. At 19 I put everything up for grabs, my job, ministry, church, the boy, all of it, for what He wanted.

God rip this apart if you want to, ‘cos I want nothing but what you want.! – me at nineteen

Driving back to Richmond from Fort Mill last week, I was on the phone with a good friend. We were talking relationships, and discerning what is and isn’t God. I stressed the importance of knowing/discerning who you are involving yourself with.

thats a big truth to swallow.

So back to the begining, I’m in the process of healing.

I have felt the Lord contending with me to shake off the control and manipulation that he had me under and return to being HIS beloved in the field, His song of solomon. But I, myself couldn’t see that happening nor myself that way, as His beloved. It was a love struggle. Amie Dockery put it best, how when the Lord is enthralled by our beauty and tells us so, because of what we’ve been through and see ourselves as, we push him away instead of allowing Him to turn His gaze towards us, we turn away in shame, we mention all of our flaws….

How many times do we do that in life period?

Walking in the mall or at church someone says, ” Hey, nice jacket!” We say, ” Oh well there’s a stain on it” or ” I had nothing else to wear.” We immediately go and point our flaws in the face of a compliment or affection.

So now as God is turning His eyes towards me, and encouraging those things He has put in my heart, I turn away in shame pointing out my flaws. My technical inabilities, my weight, my hair, my skin, my issues…. those things He, God, our father finds beautiful and complete.

I know I’m all over the place here, but back on track I go:

God will not give a blessing to someone who will abuse it.

I remember as a kid I wanted a dog.

I promised my mom I’d feed it, walk it, take care of it, etc.

But she knew the truth, she knew if I didn’t have the capacity to keep the over 200 goldfish alive in my short 8 years of life ( yes, I was a goldfish hitman), if I couldn’t make my bed, or clean up my playroom, I probably couldn’t handle a dog.

In the same manner I believe God works the same way. He looks at those things we want, search out, and rates our maturity and whether we are ready.

Sometimes we heed that advice, and other times we force it.

I look at the situation with ‘him’ and realize now, from the past year of being single ( happily I might add ;-D), niether one of us were the right blessing for each other, let alone mature enough to honor God and this gift. with that said…. sometimes we force it.

In our dog senario, my sister went and snuck in a Labrador Retreiver in our home for us to keep. She didn’t take care of the dog, the dog got sick, and we had to nurse it back to health.

So what happens when we continue to force it….

Mistreatment causes the heart to be sick, and creates a need to be nursed back to health. I think because I forced it, I am now here, being nursed back to health. Impaired by the damage of mistreatment, impaired by my willingness to play with fireworks without adult supervision.

Little pieces of us, blown away by the dynamite of entrapment. the dynamite of incitement, the dynamite of my own will

I’ve been learning this thing called idiot proof…

Basically learning to not be complicated in my prayers, but trusting God in all things, believing in all things, and accepting them. So maybe a month or so ago my pastor prayed that over me. That out of all the doors open, only the one God would will, would remain available for me to walk through, and even if the door shut when I reached the entry way, I’d accept it. That even if my feelings got hurt, I’d submit….

the whole, if my feelings got hurt thing really intrigued me every time I heard it. See, I was always under the impression God didn’t really care about my feelings… BOY WAS I WRONG!

So yesterday I went through a process of learning the part in Idiot Proofing where you are okay even if its not what you want. I made my mind up about a week ago, I needed to stop giving God these useless tantrums and  get out of my spiritual terrible two’s…. anybody with me?

So when we force it, we are essentially saying I want this, whatever it may be, more than I want you and what you want. When we submit we say, if the door is open it is.

So what I learned what to submit even if my feelings got hurt. Truth is my feelings were hurt when I needed to end the relationship, my feelings were hurt when somethings went nutzo in ministry, my feelings was hurt when I didn’t get my way yesterday. But when He says no, I learn to trust He has my best interest at heart.

See here’s the reasons why:

1. the relationship was hazardous – damaging the seeds God placed inside of me ( and him, for that matter) and planting ones of insecurity about EVERYTHING

2. Teaching me that I didn’t need to fight for what the king gave me, nor will I fight to keep it. My reputation

3. Health wise I wasn’t up to going back down, I felt fine yesterday, but today I started getting shockwaves, and realizing how delicate my body is.

He knows all, see’s all, and give’s all. He knows what we don’t admit too, what we don’t yet see. He’s always gauging the effects of the world around us and chooses, like a good father, to remove those thing which would ultimately rob us of that which He’s seeded us with from the begining.

So here’s goes:

he no longer has grips on me. Every word spoken, false word specifically no longer holds me. I’m not subject to him, nor am I hung up by his string of “I want you” / “I dont want you”. I am not what he called me out as, nor what he hated me for. I am me. And there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing shallow about it, nothing ungodly, nothing ugly, and even if it was God loves ugly and makes it beautiful.

So there….

I’m done, I’m letting go, letting God, and more importantly, finally over you. You can’t hold me anymore, you don’t deserve me and never did. Your gravity is no longer pulling me down.

Relationships – I’ve Learned

I’ve been for the most part hesitant to write this. Hesitant because alot of what I dealt with was painful, hesitant because what will people think, hesitant because I like my privacy or is it secrecy? The truth of the matter is if you don’t share what you’ve learned what proof is there that you’ve learned from it.

So here’s what I’ve learned….

1. Do not do a disservice to the image God by trashing the image of yourself….

The word of God says, we were created in His image, His likeness. So I look like Him, as a reflection of my self confidence and the world should think God looks like me from my witness. With that said, I did a disservice to the image of God, by trashing the image of myself.

I was the good girl, who liked bad boys. Bad boys who were bad boys then, or recovering bad boys. These bad boys were both vulgar toward themselves, and vulgar towards me, and I put up with it. So when people looked at me, the good girl, who was in church every Sunday, running cameras, leading a college group, I was also reflecting the girl who didn’t have enough self value or confidence in who God created me to be and who God was, that I settled for someone who would use me and abuse me.

2. I should pursue a love, that reflects THE love!

I thought I had it all right, after all I choose to not date because I wanted the first guy I actually dated to be the one. I thought I had it all right because I was saving my self emotionally and physically for marriage. But here’s where I went wrong. I was very easily caught up with emotional entanglements with the WRONG types of guys! They’re were 2 over the course of 3 years only one wasn’t a church goer and the other, well, just yuck!

Anyways, I realized in those “game” we played with each other, and pieces of heart we stole, we were in no way, shape, or form exhibiting the love declared for either one of us on calvary. God did not tease us! When Jesus was in the garden, he hurt deeply because of the love offering He was about to give, and yet even in His depths He didn’t turn around and say, ” ya know, I’m just not ready to commit, so I’ll just keep dancing around with you!” In the same manner, God did not tease of by saying He’d send a savior and letting him be crucified and the story end with no power. NO! He was fully committed and rose him from the dead, while He was holding the keys to death!

So playing the games of flirt flirt, hug hug, but no intention to try and love the best you can, its wrong and an epic fail! We are ultimately saying, I will reflect myself as one who doesn’t believe in sold out love. So again, we are made in the image of God and God looks like what we show the world, therefore we are showing the world God doesn’t fully commit to love in these types of relationships. Stay away from emotional entanglements! Trust me!

3. Lesson Learned

I’m sitting here listening to one of my favorite songs… Lesson Learned by John Mayer and Alicia Keyes. This song has made me think of so much, but specifically turned me to have a repentive spirit in regards to my relational pursuits. Don’t judge the artist, or the fact that this is a secular song, simply hear my heart.

What good is it to go through life learning nothing. How much pain, joy, suffering, successes do we need to go through to truly grow through them?

It took me a year of being separated from a particular person to learn and heal from what we went through together. It took awhile for me to stop wishing things turned out different, awhile for me to get out of bed and stop being depressed over regrets. See learning your lesson doesn’t mean everything is ok and there are no consequences, but it means to also know this is better and everything will get better. I don’t know who this is for, but what have you learned?

Here’s somethings I’ve learned:

1. God’s mercy and grace is sufficiant no matter how persistant I am fishing for trouble. I look at my life and realize I could be, at this very moment married to that one  guy, unhappy, being cheated on, and not growing in maturity but in selfishness.

2. I deserve better. I don’t think we need a side bar for that one. ;-D

3. I don’t always have to be strong, and when I’m weak its not a disappointment, but a chance to be rebuilt. The two year guy really played with that one. He would consistently remind me that my emotions were a sign of weakness and who would respect me if I shed a tear or said I couldn’t. His tatic may have been one to push me forward, but it did quite the opposite. I turned inward and hated myself for my emotions. My friend Christie taught me something I’ll never forget. She said, ” Emotions are niether good nor bad, its what you do with them that determines that!” So its okay to be scared, after all I am a woman, and from the beginning I was safe inside the chest of man. Its not weakness to feel weak or not strong enough, its humanity. My God, how can we reach past ourselves if we are not honest. So, its what I do with my fear that can make or break me.

4. Do not call Gods love a lie, by submitting to love that is abusive.

Nuff said?

All in all I feel blessed! I could’ve been somewhere completely different at this point. Now I free and pursuing my dreams, happy, single, and loving it.

I’m not saying don’t pursue relationships, I’m saying pursue that which reminds you of the father, otherwise RUN! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN. It will do you more damage than good. Believe me, I’ve spent the past year trying to get over him, and it just kept pulling me down like gravity! Watch out for those emotional entanglements, they sufficate you.

Sometimes they are unavoidable, but you learn to sit up, pick yourself up by the boot straps and get lost in HIM! Thats where I am. LOST, but in Him, and thats the easiest place to find me.

Deuces