Tag Archive: God


Sometimes you wonder if you screwed yourself with that last jump

But then as quickly as you thought that, you realize its time to question whose building this thing called your life…. your fame.

Am I building my life & my fame? Or am I building God’s house & His fame?

Self Check number 1.

When Love Broke Through #fb

The only true glimpse of love I can show you is what was done on the cross for me and you many years ago.

God wanted a family, He wanted you, He desired you.

So God sent His son, the only one He had, compelled Him to live a blameless life so that in the end He, Jesus, could be the sacrificial lamb for your sin, my sin, and the sin of the world.

Jesus came and took my cross upon Himself.

He traded the garmets of white, purity, blameless, and put on me and my sin, you and your sin, everyones sin…..

Because of Love

Love broke through when God sent His son.

Love broke through when Jesus lived on this earth as a pure and blameless one.

Love broke through when He took my cross upon himself.

Love broke through when all my guilty stains, my fear, my commitment to sin as opposed to righteousness, dissipated when I accepted Him.

His love broke through for me to be one with the father.

Today we celebrate the resurrection power of God when He raised Christ from the dead, so now I compel you to experience that in Him always.

I can’t promise you riches, a perfect life, no pain, no sorrow, but I can promise you won’t ever be alone again.

God loves you and wants you.

Received that today and you’ll never be the same.

Here’s the dreaded beginning of relationship posts…… Gotta ‘love’ it.

WARNING:  sometimes my posts are like alcohol before noon, its just to early for that. I tend to be a polarizing personality, so either you’ll be completely offended by the statement above and leave my site or you’ll be intrigued to read on.

Infidelity & America, wow!

I’ve been pretty silent throughout the Tiger Woods ordeal, didn’t quite understand it when Clinton was doing his dirt, lets not forget my televangelist brothers and sisters who did the same, but now here’s Jesse James.

Jesse James, CEO of West Coast Choppers, has been in the press the past few days for apparent infidelity. I only comment now, as I woke up and read the tweet from the Washington Post that James is apparently entering rehab for ‘personal issues’.  When I read that I assumed he was there because he’s a “sex addict”. Now please understand, I’m not judging, just asking a question.

Why is it that America makes celebrity infidelity seem like an addiction problem,specifically a sex addict, whereas in people like you and me we’re just plain ole cheaters?

Now, I’m not coming at this with a blind eye, not at all! I was the girl who was in a relationship with a guy for almost 2yrs and he cheated, multiple times. Cheating is a real thing, but how do you define it?

I’ve heard people say the worst kind of cheating is the emotional kind, where your sharing emotions and not just a physical relationship. They’ve point blank said, sex is something you can get over, but sharing your dreams and emotions with someone your not with is worse. I don’t know how I feel about that.

So all in all,  here are my questions:

  1. How do you define cheating? Is it physical, emotional, or both?
  2. Is there a difference between a wandering eye and having a sex addiction?
  3. What does God say about this?

Answer away!

Just a note from my perspective

I believe the bible. I believe what  Jesus said, that when you look at someone with the wrong eyes you’ve committed adultery because its been done in your heart. I believe in a one man, one woman relationship. I believe in faithfulness. I believe that we should faithful to whom we are with as Christ has been faithful to use ( remember your supposed to love your wife/husband as Christ loved the church?)

* I didn’t post any female cheaters because I couldn’t think of any off the top of my head, not picking on guys, some of us ladies are worse. Also, I don’t drink, in case your wondering…. I like to post a little something provocative to scare away the religious folks.

Love Me Now #fb

Here’s a few things I’ve come to know:

There’s a strong craving inside of each of us for Intimacy – to be fully known fully joined with another, to be fully known without having to say very much.

God is the perfect fit to that jonesing, that craving. For He alone knows us completely and complete. David also recognized that as he  says in the Psalms:

You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day.

In the past three months, why its always a journey of 3 – I don’t know, I’ve come to understand in a small scale of things that GOD KNOWS EVERYTHING!

So one of the other ‘few things I’ve come to know’ is there’s really no weight and anything powerful we can do through worrying.

I determined to simply know, to have intimate knowledge, that God knows my needs so I need to choose not worry.

The other thing I learned was just this past weekend.

When I feel buried under the weight of my life, overwhelmed by circumstances, burdened by my own schedule, left out, feeling like whatever, in that moment He knows and is waiting for an invitation.

Invitation to what?

Friday night during the Fuel School I heard something so profound come from Sarah who was speaking. She simply said,’ Love Me Now.’ In the midst of trying moments, circumstances, whatever, ‘love me now God’.

So here in this moment, I’m saying

Love Me Now

sometimes the deepest lessons about God is the most simple ones.

That in a moment of heaviness, simply saying ‘love me now’ invites Him in to do just that.

Try this on for size: Through Your Eyes Pt 1 Touchable

When God wants to show me something, he has to put it in my face!

Like IN MY FACE!

So the next two post are about a recent breakthrough in my life, in my worship life, and whats to come.

I woke up this morning kinda rough. My body feels off, I have a few things I’m concerned with, lots on my mind, lots in a play.

But one of the many things that bring me joy in the morning is to see the short people I work for.  The short people I work are, well just that, short.

They are some awesome kids, with awesome hearts. To these kids I’m not a worship leader, I’m not a writer, I’m not a whatever I am to everybody else, I’m just heather. There friend, caretaker. I’m there jumping bean, they can flip and skip all over me.

These are my short people

So every morning after I do my drop off’s I come in and my buddy Vj is there to greet me. Our tradition is I come in and yell ‘VJ!!!’, he looks and he yells  ‘mhm header’ he runs jumps in my arms, grabs my face and stares at me. I kiss his forehead, he  kisses mine.

So this is my morning routine, which makes my long days and nights somewhat easier.

The next two posts are about an  experience I had this week where God broke in and took the pain away, but this one is the set up to it, I had been asking for.

See this morning, when I came in and did my morning ‘VJ!’, VJ refused me. He didn’t react to my presence. He didn’t respond when I beckoned him to me. I even went and scooped him up in my arms, held him, and  even there he was preoccupied. Busied with the toy in his hand. Busied with his 4 year old body being tired. Busied with the things of his little life.

So what did I do?

In that moment he was scooped in my arms, I kissed him on the forehead and said I love you. I Put him down, and decided it was ok, I would wait for his affectionate response.

God does that.

No sooner did I put him down, did the Lord remind me that – that was me. I had gotten to a place where I refused Him, God, His morning loving. I had gotten so preoccupied with my world, my pain, I decided not to greet him.

God is lovable and desires our love, our affection.

What are you holding back? and why?

Its 11:21pm and I am sleepy.

When I’m sleepy, my ability to shut down my normal inhabitions is hard. So now I’m sleepy and honest.

Its been a rough day, somewhat of a rough week, but God is good.

and truthfully I refused to give Him that.

Well until I read LosWhits blog.

So here’s why God is good:

He’s good, because when I doubt Him – He doesn’t doubt me.

He’s good, because when I refuse Him – He welcomes me

He’s good, because when I’m hurt by Him and His inaction – I’m still His.

He doesn’t repay me with the lightening bolt I so deserve.

He welcomes me, loves me, cares for me, inspite of me.

so God is Good…

My heart was made bitter, and I was pained by the bite of grief: I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. Nevertheless I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand.

sorry God

Previous Post: and everything for a reason

First lesson of the new year:

When your spidey sense is gone, you just…….. be.

I’m not even sure what day it was, Saturday maybe Friday, not sure, check the previous post, but I’m resolved to simply trusting. Trusting God completely for my family.

Granddad took a spill and was rushed to the hospital and now on a Vent. I tweeted, and texted everyone I knew. I sat in shock. I threw on worship music. I waited. I played my guitar, stringing out some ‘tomlin’ and ‘the river’ by springsteen, I moved in and played quickly. I played and played, regretting my inability to know something was amiss in my family, especially sense I was up since 2:30 am and now it was 1pm. So I played a distorted A-chord, and played it again. And then came G, D, Am, before I knew it –  there was a familiar spirit tune coming out. All I could match to the music was, ” I will worship you’ and ” We lift you up, above all things.”

Sitting here now I realize the depth of such a simple lyric. Months ago, maybe even a year now I sent out a text to many friends declaring, “Give God your ‘All – things’, so He can take those ‘all – things’ and work them to our good and His greater purpose.” Rounding the fear and pain in my heart the other morning, I really can’t remember what day it was, I did nothing and could do nothing but give it ‘All’ to Him. I wonder what other ‘All – things’ He’s waiting on me to give up.

So I’ve learned: When the spidey sense is gone, you just be His. Give Him praise, wait, and trust that He’ll turn those  ‘all-things’ into Good things.

btw: Granddad did wake up. Not only did he wake up, but he made the nursing staff take the vent. Not only did he make them take the vent out, but he asked when he could get back home.

God is good!

Dark Night of  The Soul Series: part 2

This one is on the G-word: Grief.

Grief is something I’ve never done well with. I stay consistently stuck in two of the said stages of grief: Pain/Guilt and Depression/Loneliness. I normally have some kind of upside to my posts, but again, I’ve never done well with grief.

So my best hope with this one is simply to let it be what it is….

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Today is Christmas Eve.

I’m not a  traditional person, so this isn’t a christmas post, at least I don’t think it is.

This morning I googled myself, pretty weird I know, looking for my old Blogspot Blog. Looking for the old me. 2005-2006 I went through the ringer of sorts. I experience a near fatal car crash, lost a nerve in my hand, lost five people who were dear to me, and was in and out of the hospital because I was sick and they didn’t know with what.

Life sucked back then.

in the almost four years since then I have had a constant struggle of fear. Fear of loss. Fear of depression, fear of myself and what I’ll turn into. I didn’t want to get close to people because you know what happens then…. I didn’t want to fall in love, because my best friends fiance soldier boy, left, promising to come home, and that he did in a body bag. So somehow in that time I stopped living, and started existing.  I walked around a shell of a person, needing to keep busy, needing to do the next BIG THING , scared of being alone and in the moment. Then about a year ago I ran into myself.

When I was 11 I went from children’s church to our youth group at FLM. Got connected with an awesome youth pastor, worship leader, and a fabulous spiritual mom and dad.

Howard and Diane Hawkins were/are the best folks I ever knew. Howard was just cool, funny guy, who deemed it his job to make us all laugh and love us with God’s love.  and Diane, well, she was just herself.

Diane was the one person I couldnt hide from. I was alittle actress back then, and still am to an extent. Diguising my depression and need for pain with humor and theatrics, and yet, like always she saw right through me. Engaged my broken winged personality through the ministry of dance. and thats where it began. My heart was reawakened to the 4 year old who dance with and before her father. Before everything was broken.

Diane died in August of 06, in the middle of my ‘GOD WHERE ARE YOU’ experience. Thats what did me in, truely. Out of everything I lost and endured in that time thats what broke me. I realize now I never grieved over her or any of the things I went through in that time, but I was slowing breaking apart, slowly fading. I have also come to know that in that moment of driving the hour distance to say goodbye, driving in my car alone, I choose to be alone. I now see that I have to catch myself, because if I’m not careful I’m in that car alone again, driving back from a funeral.

I used to think dying scared me, when in actuality its not true.

Its living that scares the hell of me, causes me to turn and run with my tail caught between those short legs of mine.

So what do I say to end this…..

I don’t know.

But I do know that life is a dance, and either you cut in or you sit down.

So thats what happened about a year ago, I ran into me, started dancing again and didn’t even know it.

happy christmas

God Bless You Derek Loux – even now continue to dance!

Dark Night of The Soul Series: 1

So here’s the story of me being left at the altar…..

Its a perfect setting, me, my friends, family are all gathering joyously celebrating my impending nuptials . We have the dress, wedding  site,  the bridal party, myself – the bride, my fiance – the groom, the priest.  Life was ready to be had or so I thought.

It was the morning of the wedding, a Saturday in fact, I walked through the church, walked to my place on the altar, all dressed up in white. And he wasn’t there. He wasn’t coming.

I HATE, HATE, HATE COMMITMENT!

Okay, maybe hate is a strong word, so lets me honest….. I FEAR IT.

It scares me, scares me because I’ll give my all and in return, Heather gets jipped. Left out. Forgotten. Heather commits to others – and she gets left at the altar.  or so it seems.

As of recently, I’ve come to realize I’ve been keeping a part of my heart away from God. The same part of heart I’ve kept from him all my life, the same part of my heart I’ve kept from the relationships,  the part I keep from my family, friends alike. I keep it only for me all because of fear.

Fear of giving my all – and its still not enough. That I’m not enough.

So thats been my struggle in my christianity. I’ve been afraid to totally commit certain aspects of my heart to God- and its put a real damper on my mood this last year. See I’ve made it a practice to, whenever I am struggling in particular area of my walk with God, ask for a dream, ‘cos I’m too pig headed to hear it directly. So the Lord usually appeases me and gives me dream/vision of sorts for me to chew on and then I get it. So thats the above story of me getting left at the altar.

OH! You thought that was real, no way, you kidding me? I wouldn’t dare get that far to the altar, lol.  I’m afraid of commitment remember? Told my ex he’d better be prepared to fight for me cos I’ll be the first to run.

Anyways, back to the point at hand.

I have come to realize that the biggest problem in my relationship with God, is my lack of trust in Him. See we can all be honest right? I’ve had my feelings hurt by God – haven’t we all? I’ve had to deal with the hurt of Him tearing down the kingdoms I’ve built in my life. I’ve dealt with the hurt of my prayers not being answered the way I wanted and expected them to be answered, but haven’t we all….

So I realized, I had a problem with God. As they would say in my mafia-esque familia: ‘we gots a beef wit chu!’ heavily accented in meatballs.

I had problems commiting to God, because I couldn’t see the commitment he made to me. And me being me would rather self-destruct, than take a chance, love God, let Him have all of me, and go for the ride.

I’ve come to realize that the scenes that invade my eye closed hours – normally exalt my worst fears.

And that is it

My worst fear is to be forgotten by God – and forever be the worker bee.

My worst fear is to someday realize that God is that cruel giant in heaven, with a magnifying glass, burning up his minion humans.

My worst fear is everything I’ve lived to disprove – will be found out as truth.

My worst fear is being pushed by tragedy so far away from God I’ll never come back.

So over the years, over this year, recent months, days even – self destructive tendancies (sin) has tried to enter and convince me to run, and tear apart what could last forever, ‘cos you may be let down, and why not have a second plan.

See I don’t know who this all is for…. I know maybe 1. But the point is, don’t run out on God because your afraid he may run out on you.

The point is also, not to run out on human love, human existance, because your afraid. No one ever got anywhere being afraid, being overly cautious.

For God sakes: JUMP!

even when circumstance feels like you’ve been left at the altar by God Himself!

Months ago, I was in a Rihop service in which is was asked of many – “How many felt they were being drawed into a time of wilderness with God.” I raised both hands, not knowing what it meant, and decided to run willingly into the wilderness with God. The conversation came up with Sherrie that I felt like God was calling me in the season for some years, 3 to be exact. She interpreted that as being 3 years of intense, intimate times with God. I wish I really would have caught that….. I wish I would have caught an understanding of the idea of being in the wilderness. Of being in a season of the Dark Night of the Soul.

Dark night of the soul is a metaphor used to describe a phase in a person’s spiritual life, marked by a sense of loneliness and desolation.

This is my place of honesty, the place where my scars and victories alike will be confirmed(word of my testimony) and hopefully a place where you will experience you own ‘healing’ or ‘revelation’.

This year has been a consistent struggle in my walk with God. I’ve gone through periods of utter Apathy, Anger, Depression, Fear of Commiting to God, Guilt, Shame, Torement, and yet in the midst of these unknown valley’s I’ve experienced some of the most awesome times of healing, times of worship, times of restoration. So the next few posts will be about these experiences.

In case your a theologian or one in training like me 😉 – and you want some understanding of the “Dark Night of The Soul” experiences here’s an piece of writing I found on it:

In the Christian tradition, one who has developed a strong prayer life and consistent devotion to God suddenly finds traditional prayer extremely difficult and unrewarding for an extended period of time during this “dark night.” The individual may feel as though God has suddenly abandoned them or that his or her prayer life has collapsed. In the most pronounced cases, belief is lost in the very existence of God and/or validity of religion, rendering the individual an atheist, even if they continue with the outward expressions of faith.

Rather than resulting in devastation, however, the dark night is perceived by mystics and others to be a blessing in disguise, whereby the individual is stripped (in the dark night of the senses) of the spiritual ecstasy associated with acts of virtue. Although the individual may for a time seem to outwardly decline in their practices of virtue, they in reality become more virtuous, as they are being virtuous less for the spiritual rewards (ecstasies in the cases of the first night) obtained and more out of a true love for God. It is this purgatory, a purgation of the soul, that brings purity and union with God.

Dear Friend,

If you are in this place, don’t worry, I am too!

I’ve found out one thing in this little bit of time:

It will all be alright, more than alright actually.

God Bless,

Keep being Driven, Keep Moving Forward

H