Tag Archive: Fear


Sometimes you wonder if you screwed yourself with that last jump

But then as quickly as you thought that, you realize its time to question whose building this thing called your life…. your fame.

Am I building my life & my fame? Or am I building God’s house & His fame?

Self Check number 1.

Advertisements

Dark Night of  The Soul Series: part 2

This one is on the G-word: Grief.

Grief is something I’ve never done well with. I stay consistently stuck in two of the said stages of grief: Pain/Guilt and Depression/Loneliness. I normally have some kind of upside to my posts, but again, I’ve never done well with grief.

So my best hope with this one is simply to let it be what it is….

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Today is Christmas Eve.

I’m not a  traditional person, so this isn’t a christmas post, at least I don’t think it is.

This morning I googled myself, pretty weird I know, looking for my old Blogspot Blog. Looking for the old me. 2005-2006 I went through the ringer of sorts. I experience a near fatal car crash, lost a nerve in my hand, lost five people who were dear to me, and was in and out of the hospital because I was sick and they didn’t know with what.

Life sucked back then.

in the almost four years since then I have had a constant struggle of fear. Fear of loss. Fear of depression, fear of myself and what I’ll turn into. I didn’t want to get close to people because you know what happens then…. I didn’t want to fall in love, because my best friends fiance soldier boy, left, promising to come home, and that he did in a body bag. So somehow in that time I stopped living, and started existing.  I walked around a shell of a person, needing to keep busy, needing to do the next BIG THING , scared of being alone and in the moment. Then about a year ago I ran into myself.

When I was 11 I went from children’s church to our youth group at FLM. Got connected with an awesome youth pastor, worship leader, and a fabulous spiritual mom and dad.

Howard and Diane Hawkins were/are the best folks I ever knew. Howard was just cool, funny guy, who deemed it his job to make us all laugh and love us with God’s love.  and Diane, well, she was just herself.

Diane was the one person I couldnt hide from. I was alittle actress back then, and still am to an extent. Diguising my depression and need for pain with humor and theatrics, and yet, like always she saw right through me. Engaged my broken winged personality through the ministry of dance. and thats where it began. My heart was reawakened to the 4 year old who dance with and before her father. Before everything was broken.

Diane died in August of 06, in the middle of my ‘GOD WHERE ARE YOU’ experience. Thats what did me in, truely. Out of everything I lost and endured in that time thats what broke me. I realize now I never grieved over her or any of the things I went through in that time, but I was slowing breaking apart, slowly fading. I have also come to know that in that moment of driving the hour distance to say goodbye, driving in my car alone, I choose to be alone. I now see that I have to catch myself, because if I’m not careful I’m in that car alone again, driving back from a funeral.

I used to think dying scared me, when in actuality its not true.

Its living that scares the hell of me, causes me to turn and run with my tail caught between those short legs of mine.

So what do I say to end this…..

I don’t know.

But I do know that life is a dance, and either you cut in or you sit down.

So thats what happened about a year ago, I ran into me, started dancing again and didn’t even know it.

happy christmas

God Bless You Derek Loux – even now continue to dance!

Dark Night of The Soul Series: 1

So here’s the story of me being left at the altar…..

Its a perfect setting, me, my friends, family are all gathering joyously celebrating my impending nuptials . We have the dress, wedding  site,  the bridal party, myself – the bride, my fiance – the groom, the priest.  Life was ready to be had or so I thought.

It was the morning of the wedding, a Saturday in fact, I walked through the church, walked to my place on the altar, all dressed up in white. And he wasn’t there. He wasn’t coming.

I HATE, HATE, HATE COMMITMENT!

Okay, maybe hate is a strong word, so lets me honest….. I FEAR IT.

It scares me, scares me because I’ll give my all and in return, Heather gets jipped. Left out. Forgotten. Heather commits to others – and she gets left at the altar.  or so it seems.

As of recently, I’ve come to realize I’ve been keeping a part of my heart away from God. The same part of heart I’ve kept from him all my life, the same part of my heart I’ve kept from the relationships,  the part I keep from my family, friends alike. I keep it only for me all because of fear.

Fear of giving my all – and its still not enough. That I’m not enough.

So thats been my struggle in my christianity. I’ve been afraid to totally commit certain aspects of my heart to God- and its put a real damper on my mood this last year. See I’ve made it a practice to, whenever I am struggling in particular area of my walk with God, ask for a dream, ‘cos I’m too pig headed to hear it directly. So the Lord usually appeases me and gives me dream/vision of sorts for me to chew on and then I get it. So thats the above story of me getting left at the altar.

OH! You thought that was real, no way, you kidding me? I wouldn’t dare get that far to the altar, lol.  I’m afraid of commitment remember? Told my ex he’d better be prepared to fight for me cos I’ll be the first to run.

Anyways, back to the point at hand.

I have come to realize that the biggest problem in my relationship with God, is my lack of trust in Him. See we can all be honest right? I’ve had my feelings hurt by God – haven’t we all? I’ve had to deal with the hurt of Him tearing down the kingdoms I’ve built in my life. I’ve dealt with the hurt of my prayers not being answered the way I wanted and expected them to be answered, but haven’t we all….

So I realized, I had a problem with God. As they would say in my mafia-esque familia: ‘we gots a beef wit chu!’ heavily accented in meatballs.

I had problems commiting to God, because I couldn’t see the commitment he made to me. And me being me would rather self-destruct, than take a chance, love God, let Him have all of me, and go for the ride.

I’ve come to realize that the scenes that invade my eye closed hours – normally exalt my worst fears.

And that is it

My worst fear is to be forgotten by God – and forever be the worker bee.

My worst fear is to someday realize that God is that cruel giant in heaven, with a magnifying glass, burning up his minion humans.

My worst fear is everything I’ve lived to disprove – will be found out as truth.

My worst fear is being pushed by tragedy so far away from God I’ll never come back.

So over the years, over this year, recent months, days even – self destructive tendancies (sin) has tried to enter and convince me to run, and tear apart what could last forever, ‘cos you may be let down, and why not have a second plan.

See I don’t know who this all is for…. I know maybe 1. But the point is, don’t run out on God because your afraid he may run out on you.

The point is also, not to run out on human love, human existance, because your afraid. No one ever got anywhere being afraid, being overly cautious.

For God sakes: JUMP!

even when circumstance feels like you’ve been left at the altar by God Himself!