Category: Uncategorized


New Beginnings!

Lots of cool things going these days.

I’m posting this at 1 in the morning because well I was provoked by this interview….

THIS ONE

I realized I hadn’t really posted much since my accident so here’s whats up…

I just got back from New York, headed to Florida, doing the Makeup thing full time, and taking a hiatus from school and ministry. After the accident I seemed to have an awakening of sorts, went to new york and worked with a studio, and now am back in richmond to build my business.

I am doing good. I was recently diagnosed with an illness I’ll probably post about soon, hopefully to encourage others to get well, I am finally building my life. I’m happy, in love with God, in love with the life and blessing he’s given me.

Peace & hair grease!

h

http://heathertoler.com

Sometimes you wonder if you screwed yourself with that last jump

But then as quickly as you thought that, you realize its time to question whose building this thing called your life…. your fame.

Am I building my life & my fame? Or am I building God’s house & His fame?

Self Check number 1.

Im Insane #fb

I’ve heard many times in my life, that insanity is trying the same thing over and over, while expecting a different outcome.

I’m done with that.

Not sure what it is I want or where it is,

but its time for something to break.

Today has been, well, sucky.

I went to bed around 1am, after editing my short film for school. I woke up at 5am when someone had the audacity to call my house, AT 5AM. I went back to sleep, only to see 7am come too soon. Got up got dressed, went to turn on my laptop, to finish editing my work, only to find it crashed and died overnight. I spent my paycheck over the weekend, which means I had no money for repairs or a new laptop. I got reamed out over a political cou de ta . I had a car hit my passenger side view mirror, popping the glass out and pushing it away from my car. I’m  trying to convert two video interviews I did this morning to edit them into my film. My left contact just popped out of my eye, while I’m sitting her in the lab at school, editing my film.

And truth be told, I just want to scream!

But my daddy is still here, and I will wait in peace knowing he see’s all and loves me through it.

Its been one of those ‘what else can go wrong’ kinda of days. Your still so merciful God

God has loved me through my troubles today, and will love me on through yonder still..

I

Want to learn how to yield unto God in a way that will make your relationship with him easier?

Learn to make peace with whatever God chooses.

Now I do realize I’ve made a contradicting statement by saying make your relationship easier, while also making you submit even in pain. But serious, give up the ghost. Make peace with whatever God chooses, understand that He is God, He is sovereign, and He loves us.

We may feel harmed by what He chooses, but it isn’t to harm us, but strengthen us and our trust in Him.

So right now God, in 2010, whatever else comes my way give me the grace to make peace with what you choose.

i love you God.

God

i understand you are one who

decided who lives or dies

who breathes and not

and

here i stand a fallible man

trusting those decisions

Life, Loss, and Hope

8 years ago I made a change. I decided I wanted to start going to youth group at a local church, and didn’t realize the romance I would encounter there. It was New Life Outreach International, pastored by Victor & Carmen Torres.

Victor Torres was a man saved by God, a former drug addict and gang member. He entered Teen Challenge, a christian rehabilitation center, and his life was radically changed. I belief this change came from his mother’s prayer. His mama was an old school saint who believed in praying until something broke, which is something this modern church has lost the art of. In the seven years I was apart of that body, I was afforded the opportunity to minister to the women of The Mercy House, which is there womans home in Richmond. It was an amazing experience to be able to love on, talk with, laugh and cry with these beautiful women who wanted to get their lives together. You’d watch their intake, coming in as women who were abused, used, and tattered to their trial period where they’d learn about God and be mentored and loved on. I’d see the crack addicted, still having the shakes, come in and within weeks have a new gleam in they’re eyes. Suddenly these women who didn’t know love, didn’t know Jesus, begin to fall in love with him and enjoy worshiping him.

In that type of ministry you try your best to focus on the ones who make it, rather than the ones who don’t. The ones you cry over because they walk out the door. The ones you grieve over because it was theyre last hope, you and them both know it.

I’m bit brokenhearted right now because I just found out one of my girls died last year. She left the program, and overdosed. Me and this woman, who was old enough to be my mother, would sit and chat about what God was doing in her life. I’d encourage her to keep on keeping on. She even told me once she knew if she went back on the streets she’d die. She walked out, I knew when she did, and I prayed God would keep her safe and remind her she was loved. I don’t know what happened, I don’t know when, but I know God was there with her always. It hurts, makes me very sad, but God was with her, she wasn’t alone. She may have been scared, hurting, wounded, and abused, but she wasn’t alone. God was there. He is always there. I take comfort in that.

I have a special heart for the thrown out, the drug addict, prostitute, because society looks at them as if they are so different from anyone of us, but they’re not. They are victims of the things we made it through, the things we had support to get through. I believe in rehabilitation. I believe in programs to get your friend, loved one, dear one help. I especially believe in them if they point the person to Jesus.

If you, if someone you know and love has a problem PLEASE GET THEM HELP. Please get help

I’m not a preacher…. I’m a moses. I’m the one who feels like I’m gonna pass out when I’m standing in front of others and asked to speak.
I play keyboard, write songs, and yet i struggle to open up my mouth and declare with boldness the name of the one I love and serve.

I’m not a revolutionist, but I’m a runner.

For a year I’ve been actively asking, ‘What are the greater things?’ and ‘ What do they look like?’ And today , a few minutes ago I felt overcome with the desire to do something big, bigger than me, bigger than Richmond, Charlotte,Africa, and Italy, wherever. I’ve been overcome to do something bigger than what I’ve done with the 25% out the 100% of my life I’ve lived. My desire is not out the need for applause (which makes me nervous) or my name being out there (which is weird), but for the impact it makes. Even when I was serving in a leadership position amid young people, I wanted to do more, serve more.

So here I stand again wanting to do something BIG. BIGGER than the Now, LASTING in its EFFECT. i want to do something that MATTERS, MATTERS before men, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY GOD. Greater things… greater things are yet to come.

Maybe I need to reread Driven by Eternity, which set me off on this journey 4 years ago.

Love Me Now #fb

Here’s a few things I’ve come to know:

There’s a strong craving inside of each of us for Intimacy – to be fully known fully joined with another, to be fully known without having to say very much.

God is the perfect fit to that jonesing, that craving. For He alone knows us completely and complete. David also recognized that as he  says in the Psalms:

You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day.

In the past three months, why its always a journey of 3 – I don’t know, I’ve come to understand in a small scale of things that GOD KNOWS EVERYTHING!

So one of the other ‘few things I’ve come to know’ is there’s really no weight and anything powerful we can do through worrying.

I determined to simply know, to have intimate knowledge, that God knows my needs so I need to choose not worry.

The other thing I learned was just this past weekend.

When I feel buried under the weight of my life, overwhelmed by circumstances, burdened by my own schedule, left out, feeling like whatever, in that moment He knows and is waiting for an invitation.

Invitation to what?

Friday night during the Fuel School I heard something so profound come from Sarah who was speaking. She simply said,’ Love Me Now.’ In the midst of trying moments, circumstances, whatever, ‘love me now God’.

So here in this moment, I’m saying

Love Me Now

sometimes the deepest lessons about God is the most simple ones.

That in a moment of heaviness, simply saying ‘love me now’ invites Him in to do just that.

You can say your healed…

Walk like your healed…

Talk like it, move forward like it

But how do you know your truly healed?

What is the ‘test of healing?’

The test of healing is the moment where those who hurt you deeply are alotted room to move around your space

The result of this test lies in two things and two things only:

  1. Does the original pain come forth with its original intensity?
  2. How long does it take you to get over this encounter?

With that said, yesterday, I had a test of healing and failed miserably.

I was hurt, I own it, and now choose to move forward.

You can’t hold me now!

For some reason, today, I randomly thought about my dad. He’s not a topic that comes up very often, because I never got the chance to know him. So standing here today, at 22 years of age, in college, and working in ministry, I wonder….

I wonder would he be proud of me, his youngest child.

As his finale legacy – do I live up to all he stood for?

I hope so

Random thought, and I gaze into heaven hoping he’s gazing back at me.