Category: Life

The Crash

It was almost a month ago…. its taken me awhile to get myself together from this one, so here’s what happened:

I was sitting in my car, waiting for one of my mom’s students to come out of class for pick up, I sat there reading something on my iphone, feeling peaceful, blissful almost. Suddenly I felt the urge to move my car up a few feet to insure I’d be out of the way of other people coming through the little driveway of this  school. After moving up, my eyes returned to my iphone reading some scripture on you-version. Seconds later my car door opens, and the student gets inside of my car.

Making small talk I ask, ‘ How was your day?’, to this he replies it was good. I put my hand on the gear shift in my car and went to move it, when suddenly I felt like I should, or I needed to go back to my bible app and read something. 2 seconds later, out of the corner of my right eye I see a SUV coming over the left side of my vehicle, crashing down into the ground, hitting three cars in front of me. In the midst of all of this chaos of the moment, I see a concrete boulder the school had planted as a barrier flying in the air and seemingly headed towards me. I’m sitting there screaming, ‘ Oh my God, Oh my God’ I look over at the kid next to me, ‘ Are you ok? Are we ok? Did we get hit?” he looks at me, shock evident in his young eyes, ‘ I don’t know, I think we’re ok,” At this point my windshield is covered in dirt and earth clay, my sunroof has rocks and pieces of concrete reflecting through the side I could see from the inside.

May 11th 2010, I met grace – unmerited favor.

So you get the point of this one, let me give you a little back story on all of this, but I must warn you, I’m honest to a fault and will reveal some of my ‘stuff’ I’ve been dealing with.

For weeks before the accident, I had been having a concern or paranoia that something bad was going to happen. Coupled with stress, aggravation, and a few trying times in my family I had all but given up on God, the church, and ministry itself.

told ya I was gonna be honest….

For a period of two weeks, while working on my finale presentation for school, I had been wrestling with my faith. Between immersing myself in my short film on God & Suffering, being frustrated with politics and the christian pov, questioning my self and motives, I was burned out. Burned out because I made it a point to be one of an open mind with a ‘bull dog’ faith, and yet watching other acting the opposite of Jesus, burned out because I tried to be strong and got reduced to the heart of a seven year old girl when my dad had a heart attack, burned out ‘cos I was working hard to keep it together.

to remain in control…

The night before, the crash, is when I realized what was going on in my life. I was dealing with panic.

Here’s what panic means to me: a fear of uncontrollable circumstances, unanswerable questions.

Sitting in the computer lab at school I began to shake, and have breathing problems because of pressure, anxiety and fear. I spoke out loud saying ,’I refuse to have a nervous breakdown at twenty-three because of pressure.’

The day of the crash was an interesting one by far. I woke up with a need for the word of God, after 3 weeks of intentionally avoiding church, church people, ministry stuff, reading my bible. I was sitting at my desk and asked God a question:

Did I screw myself with that last jump?

If you follow my blog, you’ll realize that the post directly before this one is the very post I wrote that day. I was sitting there feeling like I complicated my life, and stepped out of the will of God, not realizing I was only going through the oil press.

friend of mine said I’m olive oil…..

I was questioning my decision to leave new Life, questioning my decision on my major in school, questioning, questioning questioning. Then, because God is a good father and loves to give good gifts to his children he answered me, with this verse.

Isaiah 41:9-10

Telling you, ‘You’re my servant, serving on my side.
I’ve picked you. I haven’t dropped you.’
Don’t panic. I’m with you.
There’s no need to fear for I’m your God.
I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you.
I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.

So, no matter what you go through, are going through, have gone through, don’t panic. He won’t and hasn’t dropped you. I realized, because God showed me how he could and would spare me, I did  not screw myself with that last jump, but indeed landed where I was supposed to. As for panic…. I’m learning not to. I’m learning to breathe, I’m learning to crawl…..

wait, thats a switchfoot song.

So all in all, all is well! All will be well, and remains it. Whats next? I’m not sure. I guess you’ll find out with the next post.


Sometimes you wonder if you screwed yourself with that last jump

But then as quickly as you thought that, you realize its time to question whose building this thing called your life…. your fame.

Am I building my life & my fame? Or am I building God’s house & His fame?

Self Check number 1.

When Love Broke Through #fb

The only true glimpse of love I can show you is what was done on the cross for me and you many years ago.

God wanted a family, He wanted you, He desired you.

So God sent His son, the only one He had, compelled Him to live a blameless life so that in the end He, Jesus, could be the sacrificial lamb for your sin, my sin, and the sin of the world.

Jesus came and took my cross upon Himself.

He traded the garmets of white, purity, blameless, and put on me and my sin, you and your sin, everyones sin…..

Because of Love

Love broke through when God sent His son.

Love broke through when Jesus lived on this earth as a pure and blameless one.

Love broke through when He took my cross upon himself.

Love broke through when all my guilty stains, my fear, my commitment to sin as opposed to righteousness, dissipated when I accepted Him.

His love broke through for me to be one with the father.

Today we celebrate the resurrection power of God when He raised Christ from the dead, so now I compel you to experience that in Him always.

I can’t promise you riches, a perfect life, no pain, no sorrow, but I can promise you won’t ever be alone again.

God loves you and wants you.

Received that today and you’ll never be the same.

Here’s the dreaded beginning of relationship posts…… Gotta ‘love’ it.

WARNING:  sometimes my posts are like alcohol before noon, its just to early for that. I tend to be a polarizing personality, so either you’ll be completely offended by the statement above and leave my site or you’ll be intrigued to read on.

Infidelity & America, wow!

I’ve been pretty silent throughout the Tiger Woods ordeal, didn’t quite understand it when Clinton was doing his dirt, lets not forget my televangelist brothers and sisters who did the same, but now here’s Jesse James.

Jesse James, CEO of West Coast Choppers, has been in the press the past few days for apparent infidelity. I only comment now, as I woke up and read the tweet from the Washington Post that James is apparently entering rehab for ‘personal issues’.  When I read that I assumed he was there because he’s a “sex addict”. Now please understand, I’m not judging, just asking a question.

Why is it that America makes celebrity infidelity seem like an addiction problem,specifically a sex addict, whereas in people like you and me we’re just plain ole cheaters?

Now, I’m not coming at this with a blind eye, not at all! I was the girl who was in a relationship with a guy for almost 2yrs and he cheated, multiple times. Cheating is a real thing, but how do you define it?

I’ve heard people say the worst kind of cheating is the emotional kind, where your sharing emotions and not just a physical relationship. They’ve point blank said, sex is something you can get over, but sharing your dreams and emotions with someone your not with is worse. I don’t know how I feel about that.

So all in all,  here are my questions:

  1. How do you define cheating? Is it physical, emotional, or both?
  2. Is there a difference between a wandering eye and having a sex addiction?
  3. What does God say about this?

Answer away!

Just a note from my perspective

I believe the bible. I believe what  Jesus said, that when you look at someone with the wrong eyes you’ve committed adultery because its been done in your heart. I believe in a one man, one woman relationship. I believe in faithfulness. I believe that we should faithful to whom we are with as Christ has been faithful to use ( remember your supposed to love your wife/husband as Christ loved the church?)

* I didn’t post any female cheaters because I couldn’t think of any off the top of my head, not picking on guys, some of us ladies are worse. Also, I don’t drink, in case your wondering…. I like to post a little something provocative to scare away the religious folks.

John Piper is simply one of those dudes I love to listen to. I love it because I get a perspective change, when I know my selfish heart is fighting God, when my grief seems overwhelming, when I’m challenged in life, when I’m happy, and when I’m sad.

This is the living gospel message that changed my life.

God is enough

God is enough

He is good

He will take care of us

He will satisfy us

He will get us through this

He is our treasure

Whom have I in heaven but You?

None on earth I desire beside you.

My  flesh, my heart,  my circumstance may fail me

But You, Lord, are the strength of my heart, my portion forever.

I’ve heard alot of gospel messages in my 22yrs on earth. I’ve seen the, ‘send your twenty bucks for your magic prayer cloth’, the prophetic bumbles, and peter popoff’s, but I didn’t believe that was the true gospel. The true gospel is that I was a sinner, saved by grace, and kept by it through Jesus. The true gospel is that I will go through things, suffer loses, and have gains, but God is my strength and my portion.  God wasn’t here to make me rich, thin, and fit, but to make my desire  His all consuming fire. And that my desire for Him, would be satisfied by Him and Him alone. That He is all I need.

When God is all I need, all I have, all I want, I am most satisfied. I am made rich, when He is the stronghold of my life.

This is the message that changed my life.

Cos I no longer have to stumble my way through the valley of the shadow of death, no longer would I need to figure out how I’m gonna make it. I wasn’t alone because I have Him.

Him, God, is my great and exceeding reward. Past prosperity, past fame, His fame is my joy, and His love is my riches.

I continue to strive forward, until that day when these words are made flesh.

is God enough?

as we bury our dead

in my family we dont do death well.

come to think of it, we don’t really do life well.

February 28th, the hospice care began taking Great Aunt Carolyn off the machines, because nothing was working anymore. It made me sad because that meant we’d all be going through it again.  It, refers to the grieving style my family has.

Step 1: We all are numb.

2. We get mad at each other over stupid things.

3. We act civil and like a family at the funeral.

4. We act outlandish when it comes time for buriel

5. Then we go on, and our grief rears its ugly head later down the road ‘cos we don’t deal well with these things.

Thats my family, and I love them. But see this time around I’ve learned differently.

See we’ve been trained to grieve as those who have no hope.

The word of God says we’re aren’t to mourn as those who have no hope, see we have hope of heaven. We have hope that when Jesus come or our human body fails, we will rest in His presence eternally, and be with those who also trusted in Him.

Thats some good stuff!

Something to truly have hope in.

I used to view death as a horrible, tragic thing, as I have had a life filled with those horrible and tragic things happening to me and the people I love. I once was one who grieved with no hope at all, just raw pain. But now recently its changed, I don’t know when or how, but I now know its ok to be with Jesus.

So as we bury our dead, I pray my family comes to know the comfort of God and the knowledge of Christ. I pray that the come to understand that aunt Carolyn is pain free and rejoicing with Jesus.

as we all bury our dead I hope we all know it.

Ever prematurely tweeted something, and got grief for it?

I hate to say this, but it feels good when ‘things’ come around. People made their bed and layed in it with pride. Clean hands and pure heart.

Here is it friend, this is where I’ll rephrase and redeem myself hopefully, but if not that’s ok.

Sometimes, in life, we go through circumstances. We deal with people, their judgment, and wrath. I used to get mad when things wouldn’t go my way, when someone would offend me, spitefully use me, but then the rebuke of the Lord came upon me and reminded me so deeply.

DO NOT – pay them back

DO NOT – try and change them with anger and even kindness

Do – come to me and allow me to change it.

The Lord showed me, that he moves a situation much quicker than my stupid attitude, wounded heart, and offended christian letter could ever fix.

In the past, almost two years, I’ve learned to surrender the hurt, and let God do the dealing.

As humans we have consequences, we ‘make our bed’ and we ‘lay it in’. Unfortunately, the thing that bugs me is when people do it in pride. Ignorance is one thing…

In this situation, I never prayed for vindication, just that God would bless them and fix their hearts, but to fix and correct mine first. And now here He is with his swifer mop, cleaning up the years worth of dirt.

Please hear my heart, I can’t say, I say this without pride, because that would be pride itself. So, now here on my blog, publicly and with twitter, I admit that was wrong for posting that, but I will be honest and say I’m glad God is starting to move upon ‘that’ situation and clean out some closets.

I so happy that their hearts are softened enough that God’s pressure can come down and begin to deal with the real issues and real hurts which provokes the sin, and the sin against their brothers.

So again, deal with me first God. Forgive me for having joy in this table turn, and show me to continue to walk in grace and compassion.

I woke up this morning and just knew.

Knew what?

I knew, past tense, I was okay.

To know something is to have deep intimate knowledge. The present tense of know, makes you think now.  But I knew.

I have past tense knowledge that I was ok, I am ok, and everything was going to be ok. Thats a strong cup  to drink.

more on this later.

*I understand most of you who read my blog see my problems with tense’s in my writing, but this time around I know it.

Love Me Now #fb

Here’s a few things I’ve come to know:

There’s a strong craving inside of each of us for Intimacy – to be fully known fully joined with another, to be fully known without having to say very much.

God is the perfect fit to that jonesing, that craving. For He alone knows us completely and complete. David also recognized that as he  says in the Psalms:

You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day.

In the past three months, why its always a journey of 3 – I don’t know, I’ve come to understand in a small scale of things that GOD KNOWS EVERYTHING!

So one of the other ‘few things I’ve come to know’ is there’s really no weight and anything powerful we can do through worrying.

I determined to simply know, to have intimate knowledge, that God knows my needs so I need to choose not worry.

The other thing I learned was just this past weekend.

When I feel buried under the weight of my life, overwhelmed by circumstances, burdened by my own schedule, left out, feeling like whatever, in that moment He knows and is waiting for an invitation.

Invitation to what?

Friday night during the Fuel School I heard something so profound come from Sarah who was speaking. She simply said,’ Love Me Now.’ In the midst of trying moments, circumstances, whatever, ‘love me now God’.

So here in this moment, I’m saying

Love Me Now

sometimes the deepest lessons about God is the most simple ones.

That in a moment of heaviness, simply saying ‘love me now’ invites Him in to do just that.

“Why Me?”

One of the most loneliest places in the world is to feel ignored by those you feel or felt most connected with, the only ones your connected with.

Its been a long while since I’ve written, few weeks maybe but thats long for me.

One of my constant struggles in this new season of my life is feeling ignored or forgotten, by people in my life and sometimes by God. Now please, remember this one thing when reading my blog: God is big enough to handle my questioning heart.  So let me be honest here about what I mean:

I left one place and moved to another.

Now I’m almost 2 years on the other side of this thing and I still feel alone, not connected, by myself.

So instead of dwelling on ‘poor me’ and getting angry with people and refusing to work with them or make advances to be nice to them, I dwell on the eternal factor. Not the ‘why me’ of a victim mentality, but ‘why me’ as in what are you allowing me to learn through this.

I sit here today, a writter, encouraging you to ask the Lord ‘Why Me’ as in what can I learn from this.

Peace and chicken grease!