Category: Healing


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You can say your healed…

Walk like your healed…

Talk like it, move forward like it

But how do you know your truly healed?

What is the ‘test of healing?’

The test of healing is the moment where those who hurt you deeply are alotted room to move around your space

The result of this test lies in two things and two things only:

  1. Does the original pain come forth with its original intensity?
  2. How long does it take you to get over this encounter?

With that said, yesterday, I had a test of healing and failed miserably.

I was hurt, I own it, and now choose to move forward.

You can’t hold me now!

and everything for a reason

We do our best as christians to fight through the fear of loss, life, hope to believe that everything happens for a reason.

So here I sit, my first post of 2010, somewhat facing the fear I’ve had this year…. someone dying.

I went to bed at 9pm last night, woke up at 2:30 am and couldn’t go back to sleep. Stayed up until 8, fell asleep for half an hour and got back up. I’ve been up for 10 hours, and my spidey sense wasn’t working….

I say spidey sense, because as christians we believe in the holy spirit who warns us of danger, comforts us, so again my spidey sense wasn’ t working this morning. 3am,4am, 6, and 12:30pm when we got the call I had no idea anything was happening.

Nothing!

So I sit here right now, questioning my sensitivity to the holy spirit, questioning my faith alittle, because somehow, someway I should have known…. something, anything.

Granddad, or more affectionately known as Dad, took a spill this morning, and is now on a ventilator.

Lord,  You said what we declare will be established. The other day I declared that 2010 smelled like life! Here and now I ask you to establish that word in Dad’s life. That for him 2010 smells like life.

Dark Night of The Soul Series: 3

Oppression…….

When the cares of life are placed on you, taunting you. When those things you used to do out of the love of your heart, now ‘darkens’ your loveliness. You are now hardened, and unlovable. You are in a dark night…. you want love… you want to move forward… you want the new opportunity…. but your scared of the jump.

The Woman – Kiss me—full on the mouth!
Yes! For your love is better than wine,
headier than your aromatic oils.
The syllables of your name murmur like a meadow brook.
No wonder everyone loves to say your name!
Take me away with you! Let’s run off together!
An elopement with my King-Lover!
We’ll celebrate, we’ll sing,
we’ll make great music.
Yes! For your love is better than vintage wine.
Everyone loves you—of course! And why not?
I am weathered but still elegant,
oh, dear sisters in Jerusalem,
Weather-darkened like Kedar desert tents,
time-softened like Solomon’s Temple hangings.
Don’t look down on me because I’m dark,
darkened by the sun’s harsh rays.
My brothers ridiculed me and sent me to work in the fields.
They made me care for the face of the earth,
but I had no time to care for my own face.
Tell me where you’re working
—I love you so much—
Tell me where you’re tending your flocks,
where you let them rest at noontime.
Why should I be the one left out,
outside the orbit of your tender care?

and alittle while later, he silences her, proclaiming:
The Man – Oh, my dear friend! You’re so beautiful!  And your eyes so beautiful—like doves!

So she worked all her life, grazing and working the fields for everyone else, and now its her turn…..

What’s a girl to do when the king sets his gaze on her. What do you do when the king sets his gaze on you?

The Shulimite women, the one Solomon pursued in our lovers psalms, was too afraid of intimacy. Intimacy is thought to be easy by some. But the true meaning of intimacy is to be bare before another, nothing sheilding, covering, or cloaking you, just you and you alone , out in the open. For many of us in the beautiful dance of love be it relational with siblings, friends, or parents, physical love with a spouse, or the highest love with Father God we think we can truly love and have intimacy without nakedness. And then on the other hand some of us are find being naked and bare before Him until his gaze turns to us, and then we run and hide.

Why do we run and hide, what is it that we are feeling isn’t good enough or pretty enough to be seen before man, and more importantly our father?

What  vineyards you’ve been caused to toil – in  with the hot sun at your face?

I recently had a conversation with a friend, she was going through some changes and needed the change to be reflected physically so she “darkened” her hair. She began to explain the details of a relationship I knew all to well, because I myself experience something similar. She professed to me how she felt “dark”. It hit me in that point in time that another beautiful woman, waiting and yearning to be loved also felt that way.

Song of Solomon 1:6

Do not stare at me because I am dark,
because I am darkened by the sun.
My mother’s sons were angry with me
and made me take care of the vineyards;
my own vineyard I have neglected.

Maybe your set in the sun trying to plant seed for a harvest your parents forgot all about? Maybe your the caretaker whose been tricked into caring for everyone else’s harvest but your own.
even though circumstances caused me to have to set my “flock” or my heart or my body, my emotions on the side of the field that the sun would beat down on it. Somehow, someway we are all  still lovely, with our  “darkness”

This woman, who should have been a woman of leisure was caused to deal with the vineyards of everyone else, because she had to work those vineyards it darkened her skin as she toiled in the hot sun day after day.

From her toiling she identified herself and unlovely, and unworthy.

We’ve all been there, but its time to let go.

Friend,

I don’t know where you are, what is going on, but one thing I do know:

regardless of the life circumstances that have darkened the condition of your heart, your hope, your future, know that he finds you lovely because of who you are now and forever. He’s not turned off by the darkness that has invaded your life, but he desire to move in you and love you.

Receive that won’t you, and live out another year in the fullness of hope and love.

Bless you!

Dark Night of  The Soul Series: part 2

This one is on the G-word: Grief.

Grief is something I’ve never done well with. I stay consistently stuck in two of the said stages of grief: Pain/Guilt and Depression/Loneliness. I normally have some kind of upside to my posts, but again, I’ve never done well with grief.

So my best hope with this one is simply to let it be what it is….

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Today is Christmas Eve.

I’m not a  traditional person, so this isn’t a christmas post, at least I don’t think it is.

This morning I googled myself, pretty weird I know, looking for my old Blogspot Blog. Looking for the old me. 2005-2006 I went through the ringer of sorts. I experience a near fatal car crash, lost a nerve in my hand, lost five people who were dear to me, and was in and out of the hospital because I was sick and they didn’t know with what.

Life sucked back then.

in the almost four years since then I have had a constant struggle of fear. Fear of loss. Fear of depression, fear of myself and what I’ll turn into. I didn’t want to get close to people because you know what happens then…. I didn’t want to fall in love, because my best friends fiance soldier boy, left, promising to come home, and that he did in a body bag. So somehow in that time I stopped living, and started existing.  I walked around a shell of a person, needing to keep busy, needing to do the next BIG THING , scared of being alone and in the moment. Then about a year ago I ran into myself.

When I was 11 I went from children’s church to our youth group at FLM. Got connected with an awesome youth pastor, worship leader, and a fabulous spiritual mom and dad.

Howard and Diane Hawkins were/are the best folks I ever knew. Howard was just cool, funny guy, who deemed it his job to make us all laugh and love us with God’s love.  and Diane, well, she was just herself.

Diane was the one person I couldnt hide from. I was alittle actress back then, and still am to an extent. Diguising my depression and need for pain with humor and theatrics, and yet, like always she saw right through me. Engaged my broken winged personality through the ministry of dance. and thats where it began. My heart was reawakened to the 4 year old who dance with and before her father. Before everything was broken.

Diane died in August of 06, in the middle of my ‘GOD WHERE ARE YOU’ experience. Thats what did me in, truely. Out of everything I lost and endured in that time thats what broke me. I realize now I never grieved over her or any of the things I went through in that time, but I was slowing breaking apart, slowly fading. I have also come to know that in that moment of driving the hour distance to say goodbye, driving in my car alone, I choose to be alone. I now see that I have to catch myself, because if I’m not careful I’m in that car alone again, driving back from a funeral.

I used to think dying scared me, when in actuality its not true.

Its living that scares the hell of me, causes me to turn and run with my tail caught between those short legs of mine.

So what do I say to end this…..

I don’t know.

But I do know that life is a dance, and either you cut in or you sit down.

So thats what happened about a year ago, I ran into me, started dancing again and didn’t even know it.

happy christmas

God Bless You Derek Loux – even now continue to dance!

Dark Night of The Soul Series: 1

So here’s the story of me being left at the altar…..

Its a perfect setting, me, my friends, family are all gathering joyously celebrating my impending nuptials . We have the dress, wedding  site,  the bridal party, myself – the bride, my fiance – the groom, the priest.  Life was ready to be had or so I thought.

It was the morning of the wedding, a Saturday in fact, I walked through the church, walked to my place on the altar, all dressed up in white. And he wasn’t there. He wasn’t coming.

I HATE, HATE, HATE COMMITMENT!

Okay, maybe hate is a strong word, so lets me honest….. I FEAR IT.

It scares me, scares me because I’ll give my all and in return, Heather gets jipped. Left out. Forgotten. Heather commits to others – and she gets left at the altar.  or so it seems.

As of recently, I’ve come to realize I’ve been keeping a part of my heart away from God. The same part of heart I’ve kept from him all my life, the same part of my heart I’ve kept from the relationships,  the part I keep from my family, friends alike. I keep it only for me all because of fear.

Fear of giving my all – and its still not enough. That I’m not enough.

So thats been my struggle in my christianity. I’ve been afraid to totally commit certain aspects of my heart to God- and its put a real damper on my mood this last year. See I’ve made it a practice to, whenever I am struggling in particular area of my walk with God, ask for a dream, ‘cos I’m too pig headed to hear it directly. So the Lord usually appeases me and gives me dream/vision of sorts for me to chew on and then I get it. So thats the above story of me getting left at the altar.

OH! You thought that was real, no way, you kidding me? I wouldn’t dare get that far to the altar, lol.  I’m afraid of commitment remember? Told my ex he’d better be prepared to fight for me cos I’ll be the first to run.

Anyways, back to the point at hand.

I have come to realize that the biggest problem in my relationship with God, is my lack of trust in Him. See we can all be honest right? I’ve had my feelings hurt by God – haven’t we all? I’ve had to deal with the hurt of Him tearing down the kingdoms I’ve built in my life. I’ve dealt with the hurt of my prayers not being answered the way I wanted and expected them to be answered, but haven’t we all….

So I realized, I had a problem with God. As they would say in my mafia-esque familia: ‘we gots a beef wit chu!’ heavily accented in meatballs.

I had problems commiting to God, because I couldn’t see the commitment he made to me. And me being me would rather self-destruct, than take a chance, love God, let Him have all of me, and go for the ride.

I’ve come to realize that the scenes that invade my eye closed hours – normally exalt my worst fears.

And that is it

My worst fear is to be forgotten by God – and forever be the worker bee.

My worst fear is to someday realize that God is that cruel giant in heaven, with a magnifying glass, burning up his minion humans.

My worst fear is everything I’ve lived to disprove – will be found out as truth.

My worst fear is being pushed by tragedy so far away from God I’ll never come back.

So over the years, over this year, recent months, days even – self destructive tendancies (sin) has tried to enter and convince me to run, and tear apart what could last forever, ‘cos you may be let down, and why not have a second plan.

See I don’t know who this all is for…. I know maybe 1. But the point is, don’t run out on God because your afraid he may run out on you.

The point is also, not to run out on human love, human existance, because your afraid. No one ever got anywhere being afraid, being overly cautious.

For God sakes: JUMP!

even when circumstance feels like you’ve been left at the altar by God Himself!

 

Honesty In Worship

What Makes You Worship?

The statement made by one of my favorite worship leaders, David Binion, was that Worship is simply love responding to love. As soon as he said it my heart was quickened to understand why we have such a hard time in worship.

If worship is simply love responding to love, what happens when you don’t know how to receive love nor give love?

My truth is:  I have a hard time trusting and I have a hard time receiving love.

Love makes me uncomfortable… its makes me cringe with embarrassment,excitement and euphoria all at the same time. Love causes me to trust, causes me to stop, causes me to exist. All my life, and our lives as humans we’ve been surrounded by conditional love. Surrounded by love that says give me 1 and I’ll bring 1 and then we’ll have 2. And if you take away your 1, I’ll take away my 1 and we’ll have no more love.

God’s love takes the first step, and stays there continually.

So this is Story of a broken worshiper pt. 2

Brokenness is the one of the most important things in our worship. I firmly believe that. In the most shattering places of my life, Earth shaking revelations, and simplistic times of a contrite and broken heart, when I worshiped, He ( God) moved.

He moved in my heart, my mind, my soul, my trust, and begun to heal. Unfortunatly, in our culture today, brokeness in worship isn’t very popular. Maybe the word Broken makes you cringe as it made me cringe at one time, so lets replace it:

How about Honesty in Worship?

I cannot tell you how many times, including this morning, I went before the Lord in our time of coorparate worship with a mask on, with a facade of “I’m ok” or “I don’t need you”. I’m just being honest here. But see in God’s word it was made plain to us that He would no longer accept nor seek the worship from our father’s mountain, from those wells they so easily dug, but he seeks the truth of us. The truth of our worship, our need, our desire for him!

“Believe me, woman, the time is coming when you Samaritans will worship the Father neither here at this mountain nor there in Jerusalem. You worship guessing in the dark; we Jews worship in the clear light of day. God’s way of salvation is made available through the Jews. But the time is coming—it has, in fact, come—when what you’re called will not matter and where you go to worship will not matter – It’s who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That’s the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration.” – John 4:21-24

I count myself thankful to have experienced those situations listed in Pt. 1 of this blog. Thankful because it reduced me back to honesty. See that verse  24 says , ” God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth.”  What that says to me, is exactly what was said in the Psalms, that Deep calls to  deep in the roar of the waters, let all the waves and breakers wash over me. Then let Him, God, sing His song over me.

So my worship, my broken worship, must be my Deep, my heartbreak, my anger, my offended/disappointed heart reaching for His, God’s, heart. When I come before God honestly, broken, there’s an exchange that happens, a signal of trust.

Brokeness compells our walls to be brought tumbling down because the reality of our need overshadows the anchors of our pride.

Brokenness is the  anchor of trust.

For one to be broken with another, you must be able to trust. What we’ve failed to truely understand in the body of christ is that our brokenness to and with God is an anchor of what He can trust us with.  We hit a  plateau of what we know as success and happiness when we must be crushed to abosolute trust in the truth of God.

Thats where I am and where I’ve been for the last year almost.

I’ve been joyous, I’ve had ministry triumphs and financial ones, relational success, and everything in the world looking up and up! Then brokenness was called unto me.

Here’s the beautiful truth in this life, my willingness to be broken crushes every possibility of me turning into Saul or Absolom. Saul’s issue was the brokeness & humility knocking on his door was turned into bitterness and rage oppossed to  humble tenderness.

Humble… Tender…. Meek

Those words to some exude weakness, but to me they  shout strength.

Humble – is one who knows who they are , but bows to serve anyone no matter the other’s status

Tender – is a move that is gentle when you were made to crush

Meek – well they are the ones with huge power, but thy have it under contol.

I compell you dear one, run wildly into the wilderness and be broken with your beloved!

Matthew 5

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Psalm 42:7

Chaos calls to chaos,
to the tune of whitewater rapids.
Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers
crash and crush me.
Then God promises to love me all day,
sing songs all through the night!
My life is God’s prayer.

There are some things, people, places that will break your back, if you don’t break it.

* this blog might be alittle scattered, I have a mild concussion…..oh yeah!

Manipulation, Control, Neediness….

WOW!

The past few weeks have been a healing process for me. I totally realized what exactly he had me under. I realized the faithfulness of God, in allowing this relationship to be ripped apart, knowing it wasn’t heathly for either one of us. All my life I prayed to do God’s will, knowing that living in His fullness would bring my greatest joy. At 19 I put everything up for grabs, my job, ministry, church, the boy, all of it, for what He wanted.

God rip this apart if you want to, ‘cos I want nothing but what you want.! – me at nineteen

Driving back to Richmond from Fort Mill last week, I was on the phone with a good friend. We were talking relationships, and discerning what is and isn’t God. I stressed the importance of knowing/discerning who you are involving yourself with.

thats a big truth to swallow.

So back to the begining, I’m in the process of healing.

I have felt the Lord contending with me to shake off the control and manipulation that he had me under and return to being HIS beloved in the field, His song of solomon. But I, myself couldn’t see that happening nor myself that way, as His beloved. It was a love struggle. Amie Dockery put it best, how when the Lord is enthralled by our beauty and tells us so, because of what we’ve been through and see ourselves as, we push him away instead of allowing Him to turn His gaze towards us, we turn away in shame, we mention all of our flaws….

How many times do we do that in life period?

Walking in the mall or at church someone says, ” Hey, nice jacket!” We say, ” Oh well there’s a stain on it” or ” I had nothing else to wear.” We immediately go and point our flaws in the face of a compliment or affection.

So now as God is turning His eyes towards me, and encouraging those things He has put in my heart, I turn away in shame pointing out my flaws. My technical inabilities, my weight, my hair, my skin, my issues…. those things He, God, our father finds beautiful and complete.

I know I’m all over the place here, but back on track I go:

God will not give a blessing to someone who will abuse it.

I remember as a kid I wanted a dog.

I promised my mom I’d feed it, walk it, take care of it, etc.

But she knew the truth, she knew if I didn’t have the capacity to keep the over 200 goldfish alive in my short 8 years of life ( yes, I was a goldfish hitman), if I couldn’t make my bed, or clean up my playroom, I probably couldn’t handle a dog.

In the same manner I believe God works the same way. He looks at those things we want, search out, and rates our maturity and whether we are ready.

Sometimes we heed that advice, and other times we force it.

I look at the situation with ‘him’ and realize now, from the past year of being single ( happily I might add ;-D), niether one of us were the right blessing for each other, let alone mature enough to honor God and this gift. with that said…. sometimes we force it.

In our dog senario, my sister went and snuck in a Labrador Retreiver in our home for us to keep. She didn’t take care of the dog, the dog got sick, and we had to nurse it back to health.

So what happens when we continue to force it….

Mistreatment causes the heart to be sick, and creates a need to be nursed back to health. I think because I forced it, I am now here, being nursed back to health. Impaired by the damage of mistreatment, impaired by my willingness to play with fireworks without adult supervision.

Little pieces of us, blown away by the dynamite of entrapment. the dynamite of incitement, the dynamite of my own will

I’ve been learning this thing called idiot proof…

Basically learning to not be complicated in my prayers, but trusting God in all things, believing in all things, and accepting them. So maybe a month or so ago my pastor prayed that over me. That out of all the doors open, only the one God would will, would remain available for me to walk through, and even if the door shut when I reached the entry way, I’d accept it. That even if my feelings got hurt, I’d submit….

the whole, if my feelings got hurt thing really intrigued me every time I heard it. See, I was always under the impression God didn’t really care about my feelings… BOY WAS I WRONG!

So yesterday I went through a process of learning the part in Idiot Proofing where you are okay even if its not what you want. I made my mind up about a week ago, I needed to stop giving God these useless tantrums and  get out of my spiritual terrible two’s…. anybody with me?

So when we force it, we are essentially saying I want this, whatever it may be, more than I want you and what you want. When we submit we say, if the door is open it is.

So what I learned what to submit even if my feelings got hurt. Truth is my feelings were hurt when I needed to end the relationship, my feelings were hurt when somethings went nutzo in ministry, my feelings was hurt when I didn’t get my way yesterday. But when He says no, I learn to trust He has my best interest at heart.

See here’s the reasons why:

1. the relationship was hazardous – damaging the seeds God placed inside of me ( and him, for that matter) and planting ones of insecurity about EVERYTHING

2. Teaching me that I didn’t need to fight for what the king gave me, nor will I fight to keep it. My reputation

3. Health wise I wasn’t up to going back down, I felt fine yesterday, but today I started getting shockwaves, and realizing how delicate my body is.

He knows all, see’s all, and give’s all. He knows what we don’t admit too, what we don’t yet see. He’s always gauging the effects of the world around us and chooses, like a good father, to remove those thing which would ultimately rob us of that which He’s seeded us with from the begining.

So here’s goes:

he no longer has grips on me. Every word spoken, false word specifically no longer holds me. I’m not subject to him, nor am I hung up by his string of “I want you” / “I dont want you”. I am not what he called me out as, nor what he hated me for. I am me. And there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing shallow about it, nothing ungodly, nothing ugly, and even if it was God loves ugly and makes it beautiful.

So there….

I’m done, I’m letting go, letting God, and more importantly, finally over you. You can’t hold me anymore, you don’t deserve me and never did. Your gravity is no longer pulling me down.

Relationships – I’ve Learned

I’ve been for the most part hesitant to write this. Hesitant because alot of what I dealt with was painful, hesitant because what will people think, hesitant because I like my privacy or is it secrecy? The truth of the matter is if you don’t share what you’ve learned what proof is there that you’ve learned from it.

So here’s what I’ve learned….

1. Do not do a disservice to the image God by trashing the image of yourself….

The word of God says, we were created in His image, His likeness. So I look like Him, as a reflection of my self confidence and the world should think God looks like me from my witness. With that said, I did a disservice to the image of God, by trashing the image of myself.

I was the good girl, who liked bad boys. Bad boys who were bad boys then, or recovering bad boys. These bad boys were both vulgar toward themselves, and vulgar towards me, and I put up with it. So when people looked at me, the good girl, who was in church every Sunday, running cameras, leading a college group, I was also reflecting the girl who didn’t have enough self value or confidence in who God created me to be and who God was, that I settled for someone who would use me and abuse me.

2. I should pursue a love, that reflects THE love!

I thought I had it all right, after all I choose to not date because I wanted the first guy I actually dated to be the one. I thought I had it all right because I was saving my self emotionally and physically for marriage. But here’s where I went wrong. I was very easily caught up with emotional entanglements with the WRONG types of guys! They’re were 2 over the course of 3 years only one wasn’t a church goer and the other, well, just yuck!

Anyways, I realized in those “game” we played with each other, and pieces of heart we stole, we were in no way, shape, or form exhibiting the love declared for either one of us on calvary. God did not tease us! When Jesus was in the garden, he hurt deeply because of the love offering He was about to give, and yet even in His depths He didn’t turn around and say, ” ya know, I’m just not ready to commit, so I’ll just keep dancing around with you!” In the same manner, God did not tease of by saying He’d send a savior and letting him be crucified and the story end with no power. NO! He was fully committed and rose him from the dead, while He was holding the keys to death!

So playing the games of flirt flirt, hug hug, but no intention to try and love the best you can, its wrong and an epic fail! We are ultimately saying, I will reflect myself as one who doesn’t believe in sold out love. So again, we are made in the image of God and God looks like what we show the world, therefore we are showing the world God doesn’t fully commit to love in these types of relationships. Stay away from emotional entanglements! Trust me!

3. Lesson Learned

I’m sitting here listening to one of my favorite songs… Lesson Learned by John Mayer and Alicia Keyes. This song has made me think of so much, but specifically turned me to have a repentive spirit in regards to my relational pursuits. Don’t judge the artist, or the fact that this is a secular song, simply hear my heart.

What good is it to go through life learning nothing. How much pain, joy, suffering, successes do we need to go through to truly grow through them?

It took me a year of being separated from a particular person to learn and heal from what we went through together. It took awhile for me to stop wishing things turned out different, awhile for me to get out of bed and stop being depressed over regrets. See learning your lesson doesn’t mean everything is ok and there are no consequences, but it means to also know this is better and everything will get better. I don’t know who this is for, but what have you learned?

Here’s somethings I’ve learned:

1. God’s mercy and grace is sufficiant no matter how persistant I am fishing for trouble. I look at my life and realize I could be, at this very moment married to that one  guy, unhappy, being cheated on, and not growing in maturity but in selfishness.

2. I deserve better. I don’t think we need a side bar for that one. ;-D

3. I don’t always have to be strong, and when I’m weak its not a disappointment, but a chance to be rebuilt. The two year guy really played with that one. He would consistently remind me that my emotions were a sign of weakness and who would respect me if I shed a tear or said I couldn’t. His tatic may have been one to push me forward, but it did quite the opposite. I turned inward and hated myself for my emotions. My friend Christie taught me something I’ll never forget. She said, ” Emotions are niether good nor bad, its what you do with them that determines that!” So its okay to be scared, after all I am a woman, and from the beginning I was safe inside the chest of man. Its not weakness to feel weak or not strong enough, its humanity. My God, how can we reach past ourselves if we are not honest. So, its what I do with my fear that can make or break me.

4. Do not call Gods love a lie, by submitting to love that is abusive.

Nuff said?

All in all I feel blessed! I could’ve been somewhere completely different at this point. Now I free and pursuing my dreams, happy, single, and loving it.

I’m not saying don’t pursue relationships, I’m saying pursue that which reminds you of the father, otherwise RUN! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN. It will do you more damage than good. Believe me, I’ve spent the past year trying to get over him, and it just kept pulling me down like gravity! Watch out for those emotional entanglements, they sufficate you.

Sometimes they are unavoidable, but you learn to sit up, pick yourself up by the boot straps and get lost in HIM! Thats where I am. LOST, but in Him, and thats the easiest place to find me.

Deuces

nothing beats the love of a father.

nothing can every trump being able to shrink in age and size, and curl up in the arms of everlasting and allow Him to return you to childhood, safety, and comfort.

The other day I was in an amazing service in Newport News. There was a powerful altar service and during that I kinda jumped out of my own body and viewed myself from God’s eyeview. So Im worshiping and praising God, and suddenly I see my own physical movements, and mannerisms. I notice that I am not worshiping like a church goer, nor am I like a teenager, I’m not jumping up and down or raising my hands so that the tips of my finger don’t exceed my shoulder blade, nope, none of that.

I notice I’m pacing and walking back and forth, fidgety and yet content. Not in a rush, just there, before the king. Before the king I’m ok, before the king there are no questions of who I am and what I should do, and even if they’re were the king would tell me. See before the king I am who I’ve always been,

Today, and the past few weeks I’ve been battling with picking things up and “trying” to make them happen for me. Bigger than that for years I’m been stuffing myself into a mold that I thought people expected me to be, instead of just trusting my heart. So today I sat overwhelmed with me! Overwhelmed with my stuff, my schooling, my career, my future, my looks, my wants, my needs, and what I think all those things should look like.

Its only when your out of character that you feel uncomfortable. Only when your out of character that you give up on dreams. But see none of that matters before the king. Because even when you forget, He reminds you.

Just like a daddy does, that its ok,you belong to him, your beautiful, whole, confident, strong, and well able to do anything you want too.

So today I had to go back to the four year old me, with shuffling feet, and fidgety hands, and get before my king daddy and let him remind me.

you always give me something to write!