Category: Get Real

Here’s the dreaded beginning of relationship posts…… Gotta ‘love’ it.

WARNING:  sometimes my posts are like alcohol before noon, its just to early for that. I tend to be a polarizing personality, so either you’ll be completely offended by the statement above and leave my site or you’ll be intrigued to read on.

Infidelity & America, wow!

I’ve been pretty silent throughout the Tiger Woods ordeal, didn’t quite understand it when Clinton was doing his dirt, lets not forget my televangelist brothers and sisters who did the same, but now here’s Jesse James.

Jesse James, CEO of West Coast Choppers, has been in the press the past few days for apparent infidelity. I only comment now, as I woke up and read the tweet from the Washington Post that James is apparently entering rehab for ‘personal issues’.  When I read that I assumed he was there because he’s a “sex addict”. Now please understand, I’m not judging, just asking a question.

Why is it that America makes celebrity infidelity seem like an addiction problem,specifically a sex addict, whereas in people like you and me we’re just plain ole cheaters?

Now, I’m not coming at this with a blind eye, not at all! I was the girl who was in a relationship with a guy for almost 2yrs and he cheated, multiple times. Cheating is a real thing, but how do you define it?

I’ve heard people say the worst kind of cheating is the emotional kind, where your sharing emotions and not just a physical relationship. They’ve point blank said, sex is something you can get over, but sharing your dreams and emotions with someone your not with is worse. I don’t know how I feel about that.

So all in all,  here are my questions:

  1. How do you define cheating? Is it physical, emotional, or both?
  2. Is there a difference between a wandering eye and having a sex addiction?
  3. What does God say about this?

Answer away!

Just a note from my perspective

I believe the bible. I believe what  Jesus said, that when you look at someone with the wrong eyes you’ve committed adultery because its been done in your heart. I believe in a one man, one woman relationship. I believe in faithfulness. I believe that we should faithful to whom we are with as Christ has been faithful to use ( remember your supposed to love your wife/husband as Christ loved the church?)

* I didn’t post any female cheaters because I couldn’t think of any off the top of my head, not picking on guys, some of us ladies are worse. Also, I don’t drink, in case your wondering…. I like to post a little something provocative to scare away the religious folks.


You can say your healed…

Walk like your healed…

Talk like it, move forward like it

But how do you know your truly healed?

What is the ‘test of healing?’

The test of healing is the moment where those who hurt you deeply are alotted room to move around your space

The result of this test lies in two things and two things only:

  1. Does the original pain come forth with its original intensity?
  2. How long does it take you to get over this encounter?

With that said, yesterday, I had a test of healing and failed miserably.

I was hurt, I own it, and now choose to move forward.

You can’t hold me now!

Dark Night of The Soul Series: 3


When the cares of life are placed on you, taunting you. When those things you used to do out of the love of your heart, now ‘darkens’ your loveliness. You are now hardened, and unlovable. You are in a dark night…. you want love… you want to move forward… you want the new opportunity…. but your scared of the jump.

The Woman – Kiss me—full on the mouth!
Yes! For your love is better than wine,
headier than your aromatic oils.
The syllables of your name murmur like a meadow brook.
No wonder everyone loves to say your name!
Take me away with you! Let’s run off together!
An elopement with my King-Lover!
We’ll celebrate, we’ll sing,
we’ll make great music.
Yes! For your love is better than vintage wine.
Everyone loves you—of course! And why not?
I am weathered but still elegant,
oh, dear sisters in Jerusalem,
Weather-darkened like Kedar desert tents,
time-softened like Solomon’s Temple hangings.
Don’t look down on me because I’m dark,
darkened by the sun’s harsh rays.
My brothers ridiculed me and sent me to work in the fields.
They made me care for the face of the earth,
but I had no time to care for my own face.
Tell me where you’re working
—I love you so much—
Tell me where you’re tending your flocks,
where you let them rest at noontime.
Why should I be the one left out,
outside the orbit of your tender care?

and alittle while later, he silences her, proclaiming:
The Man – Oh, my dear friend! You’re so beautiful!  And your eyes so beautiful—like doves!

So she worked all her life, grazing and working the fields for everyone else, and now its her turn…..

What’s a girl to do when the king sets his gaze on her. What do you do when the king sets his gaze on you?

The Shulimite women, the one Solomon pursued in our lovers psalms, was too afraid of intimacy. Intimacy is thought to be easy by some. But the true meaning of intimacy is to be bare before another, nothing sheilding, covering, or cloaking you, just you and you alone , out in the open. For many of us in the beautiful dance of love be it relational with siblings, friends, or parents, physical love with a spouse, or the highest love with Father God we think we can truly love and have intimacy without nakedness. And then on the other hand some of us are find being naked and bare before Him until his gaze turns to us, and then we run and hide.

Why do we run and hide, what is it that we are feeling isn’t good enough or pretty enough to be seen before man, and more importantly our father?

What  vineyards you’ve been caused to toil – in  with the hot sun at your face?

I recently had a conversation with a friend, she was going through some changes and needed the change to be reflected physically so she “darkened” her hair. She began to explain the details of a relationship I knew all to well, because I myself experience something similar. She professed to me how she felt “dark”. It hit me in that point in time that another beautiful woman, waiting and yearning to be loved also felt that way.

Song of Solomon 1:6

Do not stare at me because I am dark,
because I am darkened by the sun.
My mother’s sons were angry with me
and made me take care of the vineyards;
my own vineyard I have neglected.

Maybe your set in the sun trying to plant seed for a harvest your parents forgot all about? Maybe your the caretaker whose been tricked into caring for everyone else’s harvest but your own.
even though circumstances caused me to have to set my “flock” or my heart or my body, my emotions on the side of the field that the sun would beat down on it. Somehow, someway we are all  still lovely, with our  “darkness”

This woman, who should have been a woman of leisure was caused to deal with the vineyards of everyone else, because she had to work those vineyards it darkened her skin as she toiled in the hot sun day after day.

From her toiling she identified herself and unlovely, and unworthy.

We’ve all been there, but its time to let go.


I don’t know where you are, what is going on, but one thing I do know:

regardless of the life circumstances that have darkened the condition of your heart, your hope, your future, know that he finds you lovely because of who you are now and forever. He’s not turned off by the darkness that has invaded your life, but he desire to move in you and love you.

Receive that won’t you, and live out another year in the fullness of hope and love.

Bless you!

Dark Night of The Soul Series: 1

So here’s the story of me being left at the altar…..

Its a perfect setting, me, my friends, family are all gathering joyously celebrating my impending nuptials . We have the dress, wedding  site,  the bridal party, myself – the bride, my fiance – the groom, the priest.  Life was ready to be had or so I thought.

It was the morning of the wedding, a Saturday in fact, I walked through the church, walked to my place on the altar, all dressed up in white. And he wasn’t there. He wasn’t coming.


Okay, maybe hate is a strong word, so lets me honest….. I FEAR IT.

It scares me, scares me because I’ll give my all and in return, Heather gets jipped. Left out. Forgotten. Heather commits to others – and she gets left at the altar.  or so it seems.

As of recently, I’ve come to realize I’ve been keeping a part of my heart away from God. The same part of heart I’ve kept from him all my life, the same part of my heart I’ve kept from the relationships,  the part I keep from my family, friends alike. I keep it only for me all because of fear.

Fear of giving my all – and its still not enough. That I’m not enough.

So thats been my struggle in my christianity. I’ve been afraid to totally commit certain aspects of my heart to God- and its put a real damper on my mood this last year. See I’ve made it a practice to, whenever I am struggling in particular area of my walk with God, ask for a dream, ‘cos I’m too pig headed to hear it directly. So the Lord usually appeases me and gives me dream/vision of sorts for me to chew on and then I get it. So thats the above story of me getting left at the altar.

OH! You thought that was real, no way, you kidding me? I wouldn’t dare get that far to the altar, lol.  I’m afraid of commitment remember? Told my ex he’d better be prepared to fight for me cos I’ll be the first to run.

Anyways, back to the point at hand.

I have come to realize that the biggest problem in my relationship with God, is my lack of trust in Him. See we can all be honest right? I’ve had my feelings hurt by God – haven’t we all? I’ve had to deal with the hurt of Him tearing down the kingdoms I’ve built in my life. I’ve dealt with the hurt of my prayers not being answered the way I wanted and expected them to be answered, but haven’t we all….

So I realized, I had a problem with God. As they would say in my mafia-esque familia: ‘we gots a beef wit chu!’ heavily accented in meatballs.

I had problems commiting to God, because I couldn’t see the commitment he made to me. And me being me would rather self-destruct, than take a chance, love God, let Him have all of me, and go for the ride.

I’ve come to realize that the scenes that invade my eye closed hours – normally exalt my worst fears.

And that is it

My worst fear is to be forgotten by God – and forever be the worker bee.

My worst fear is to someday realize that God is that cruel giant in heaven, with a magnifying glass, burning up his minion humans.

My worst fear is everything I’ve lived to disprove – will be found out as truth.

My worst fear is being pushed by tragedy so far away from God I’ll never come back.

So over the years, over this year, recent months, days even – self destructive tendancies (sin) has tried to enter and convince me to run, and tear apart what could last forever, ‘cos you may be let down, and why not have a second plan.

See I don’t know who this all is for…. I know maybe 1. But the point is, don’t run out on God because your afraid he may run out on you.

The point is also, not to run out on human love, human existance, because your afraid. No one ever got anywhere being afraid, being overly cautious.

For God sakes: JUMP!

even when circumstance feels like you’ve been left at the altar by God Himself!

Months ago, I was in a Rihop service in which is was asked of many – “How many felt they were being drawed into a time of wilderness with God.” I raised both hands, not knowing what it meant, and decided to run willingly into the wilderness with God. The conversation came up with Sherrie that I felt like God was calling me in the season for some years, 3 to be exact. She interpreted that as being 3 years of intense, intimate times with God. I wish I really would have caught that….. I wish I would have caught an understanding of the idea of being in the wilderness. Of being in a season of the Dark Night of the Soul.

Dark night of the soul is a metaphor used to describe a phase in a person’s spiritual life, marked by a sense of loneliness and desolation.

This is my place of honesty, the place where my scars and victories alike will be confirmed(word of my testimony) and hopefully a place where you will experience you own ‘healing’ or ‘revelation’.

This year has been a consistent struggle in my walk with God. I’ve gone through periods of utter Apathy, Anger, Depression, Fear of Commiting to God, Guilt, Shame, Torement, and yet in the midst of these unknown valley’s I’ve experienced some of the most awesome times of healing, times of worship, times of restoration. So the next few posts will be about these experiences.

In case your a theologian or one in training like me 😉 – and you want some understanding of the “Dark Night of The Soul” experiences here’s an piece of writing I found on it:

In the Christian tradition, one who has developed a strong prayer life and consistent devotion to God suddenly finds traditional prayer extremely difficult and unrewarding for an extended period of time during this “dark night.” The individual may feel as though God has suddenly abandoned them or that his or her prayer life has collapsed. In the most pronounced cases, belief is lost in the very existence of God and/or validity of religion, rendering the individual an atheist, even if they continue with the outward expressions of faith.

Rather than resulting in devastation, however, the dark night is perceived by mystics and others to be a blessing in disguise, whereby the individual is stripped (in the dark night of the senses) of the spiritual ecstasy associated with acts of virtue. Although the individual may for a time seem to outwardly decline in their practices of virtue, they in reality become more virtuous, as they are being virtuous less for the spiritual rewards (ecstasies in the cases of the first night) obtained and more out of a true love for God. It is this purgatory, a purgation of the soul, that brings purity and union with God.

Dear Friend,

If you are in this place, don’t worry, I am too!

I’ve found out one thing in this little bit of time:

It will all be alright, more than alright actually.

God Bless,

Keep being Driven, Keep Moving Forward


Saturday afternoon, while driving from spending time with my pastors, I received a tweet from a pastor in Seattle.

The tweet in its essence was asking for prayer, as he was dealing with 2 tragedys less than 48 hours apart. I scrolled down to see the replies, and one stuck out to me so deeply. The tweet simply said:

I am praying for your mental and emotional stability

I kept driving down Hull St, met up with a friend and her daughter for some coffee. We began to chat about ministry, and its slipped out of my mouth, how if your not careful ministry can be a depressing place. I say that with ease, as I was volunteer staff at a church in which we dealt with many deaths, drug /alcohol addicted men and women, broken families. We saw stuff, and heard stuff, felt stuff. See most people think its hard to be a cop, which is it, because of the dangers you face, the things you see. In the same frame of mind , many think its hard to be a Dr/Nurse because of the lives you save and the ones you lose.

Truth be told, its hard to be human.

Life is full of anomalies in which we experience things that shatter our heart if we have no one to turn to. With that said, with all the love and kindness in the world, can I ask you one question?

and who supports the pastor?

The pastor dedicates babies, baptizes people, on a weekly basis they watch as God snatches another soul from hell, they marry, they bury, the do their best to love theirs, their flock, the body. The pastor serves as counsel, but who counsels the pastor?

Who is there for the pastor?

I’ve never operated in the official capacity of “pastoral staff” , and if I have the choice I will not, so I cannot say, from experience as a pastor I know hurt. But was I was leader. I was a leader who saw the rebellion and saw obedience. One who saw the joys, and who experienced loss.

So again, who is there for the pastor?

When I was a kid, my parent unknowingly taught me never to complain or ask for help. Through comments like, “We’ll talk to God about that.”, when they didn’t have the time or whatever the case may be. And truthfully, working in a college and career ministry I did the same. Being a member of a church whom people respected my opinion – I did the same. The truth is when people reach out to us, we should at the least:

1.Listen – few seconds, minutes, hours, a life.

2. Embrace them – be it emotionally, offer a hug, a king word.

3. Pray with them that God shows up!

The comfort of God is an amazing thing, nothing, NOTHING could ever be as effective as His love covering us. But, BUT, there are times in life wherein you’d like someone with skin on – to relate to. Times in life, in which God uses someone with skin on to minister to you.

Unfortunately we are building a generation of people – pastors- who feel if they can’t handle it- it is a sign of weakness as opposed to humanity. There’s nothing wrong with reaching out for help. Nothing.

This springs out of my heart being broken over a pastor committing suicide, an amazing pastor who had an amazing ministry, wife, children, success- or so it seemed.

So who supports the pastor?

This blog isn’t to place blame, but to hopefully evoke a response in the body that says,

” YES, Pastor, I Support You!”

“Pastor, How Can I Help You!”

“Pastor, I Am Praying For You”

Who supports the pastor?

How can you support your pastor….

God bless.


Honesty In Worship

What Makes You Worship?

The statement made by one of my favorite worship leaders, David Binion, was that Worship is simply love responding to love. As soon as he said it my heart was quickened to understand why we have such a hard time in worship.

If worship is simply love responding to love, what happens when you don’t know how to receive love nor give love?

My truth is:  I have a hard time trusting and I have a hard time receiving love.

Love makes me uncomfortable… its makes me cringe with embarrassment,excitement and euphoria all at the same time. Love causes me to trust, causes me to stop, causes me to exist. All my life, and our lives as humans we’ve been surrounded by conditional love. Surrounded by love that says give me 1 and I’ll bring 1 and then we’ll have 2. And if you take away your 1, I’ll take away my 1 and we’ll have no more love.

God’s love takes the first step, and stays there continually.

So this is Story of a broken worshiper pt. 2

Brokenness is the one of the most important things in our worship. I firmly believe that. In the most shattering places of my life, Earth shaking revelations, and simplistic times of a contrite and broken heart, when I worshiped, He ( God) moved.

He moved in my heart, my mind, my soul, my trust, and begun to heal. Unfortunatly, in our culture today, brokeness in worship isn’t very popular. Maybe the word Broken makes you cringe as it made me cringe at one time, so lets replace it:

How about Honesty in Worship?

I cannot tell you how many times, including this morning, I went before the Lord in our time of coorparate worship with a mask on, with a facade of “I’m ok” or “I don’t need you”. I’m just being honest here. But see in God’s word it was made plain to us that He would no longer accept nor seek the worship from our father’s mountain, from those wells they so easily dug, but he seeks the truth of us. The truth of our worship, our need, our desire for him!

“Believe me, woman, the time is coming when you Samaritans will worship the Father neither here at this mountain nor there in Jerusalem. You worship guessing in the dark; we Jews worship in the clear light of day. God’s way of salvation is made available through the Jews. But the time is coming—it has, in fact, come—when what you’re called will not matter and where you go to worship will not matter – It’s who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That’s the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration.” – John 4:21-24

I count myself thankful to have experienced those situations listed in Pt. 1 of this blog. Thankful because it reduced me back to honesty. See that verse  24 says , ” God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth.”  What that says to me, is exactly what was said in the Psalms, that Deep calls to  deep in the roar of the waters, let all the waves and breakers wash over me. Then let Him, God, sing His song over me.

So my worship, my broken worship, must be my Deep, my heartbreak, my anger, my offended/disappointed heart reaching for His, God’s, heart. When I come before God honestly, broken, there’s an exchange that happens, a signal of trust.

Brokeness compells our walls to be brought tumbling down because the reality of our need overshadows the anchors of our pride.

Brokenness is the  anchor of trust.

For one to be broken with another, you must be able to trust. What we’ve failed to truely understand in the body of christ is that our brokenness to and with God is an anchor of what He can trust us with.  We hit a  plateau of what we know as success and happiness when we must be crushed to abosolute trust in the truth of God.

Thats where I am and where I’ve been for the last year almost.

I’ve been joyous, I’ve had ministry triumphs and financial ones, relational success, and everything in the world looking up and up! Then brokenness was called unto me.

Here’s the beautiful truth in this life, my willingness to be broken crushes every possibility of me turning into Saul or Absolom. Saul’s issue was the brokeness & humility knocking on his door was turned into bitterness and rage oppossed to  humble tenderness.

Humble… Tender…. Meek

Those words to some exude weakness, but to me they  shout strength.

Humble – is one who knows who they are , but bows to serve anyone no matter the other’s status

Tender – is a move that is gentle when you were made to crush

Meek – well they are the ones with huge power, but thy have it under contol.

I compell you dear one, run wildly into the wilderness and be broken with your beloved!

Matthew 5

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Psalm 42:7

Chaos calls to chaos,
to the tune of whitewater rapids.
Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers
crash and crush me.
Then God promises to love me all day,
sing songs all through the night!
My life is God’s prayer.


Originally uploaded by HeatherNicole1

There are some things that change your perspective.
There’s a view point, if you will, only provided through the eyes of another.

The view point I’ve been seeing today is from my niece/little sister. Technically, she’s neither, but in the same breath she’s everything.

Destanie aka Bug is my viewpoint, and what we are looking at is God & All His Glory.
Bug is an amazing little creature, and everyday I get to spend with her, is a day I learn something new.

Last week while driving in the car, she asked me a question.
This question reaffirmed my current undergrad status in my walk with God, actually, maybe its community college!

Anywho, my darlin bug, asked me if I knew what Angels looked like.
So I tread into my bible college days, and begin to explain to her out of Isaiah and Revelation. She interrupts my theological fru fru talk and proceeds to tell me what Angels look like:

“They look like sparkly cow toes.” – Destanie

I spat my coke and hit the breaks as I didn’t know where to go from there. LITERALLY!

This child continues to tell me a scripture she read with her mom, out of Ezekiel where it explains how they have the feet of a calve, and their color is of bronze and etc.

I quickly realized that a child easily accepts the truth and simplicity of life, heaven, and earth.
In my own eyes, angels scared me. I knew they were towering creatures, who were to give us messages, protects us, and more importantly fill the throne room with Worship. Whereas in her minds eye, they were beautiful, soft, sparkly, touchable things we visit often at Maymont Park.
The key word is Touchable….
We find things unreachable, but to a child, everything is reachable, especially in dreams.

This is also the child who has a dream God-himself, picked her up from school and took her to heaven to hang out and watch Wheel of Fortune.

God is Touchable!
Heaven is Touchable
Belief is Touchable!

So sitting there, in the drivers seat of the car, my new perspective was sparkly cow toes.


Aight peeps!

So here’s my deal:

I’ve had lots of changes this year.


Left my home church

Started traveling & working in a new ministry

Became an undergrad at Liberty U

Experienced a new level in my relationship with God

Started writing again

God started healing broken pieces of my heart


I split my time between Richmond & Chalotte, NC.

So, with all of these changes, all of these healings, all of these blessings,

its time for the temple!

So check this vid out from LosWhit

Ragamuffin Soul 30 Day Holiday Health Challenge from Carlos Whittaker on Vimeo.

Aight guys, so if you are interested click on this link to his sight: Carlos Whittaker

So here are my goals

Checking in from Richmond/Charlotte!

I’m so down with this challenge bro, its been on my heart big time to make some changes!

Physical – Drop 1 size in Jeans and Shirt! 12/Xl

Spiritually – Up early every morning to have a time of worship & prayer time with God!

Relationally – Meet new people! Get involved at church!

Random Musings?

Lots on my mind right now, so bear with me.

I’ve learned alot in my short life of 22 years. I’ve learned from people, circumstance, heart break, joy, triumphs. In a conversation I had with my mom a few weeks ago, she said I should be thankful for a few things I’m dealing with in the moment. Because no matter how uncomfortable I am, I am learning something. To this I responded:

Its fine and dandy I’m learning something, but sometimes you just have to put the book down!

What book is that you might ask……

Well I can’t disclose that, simply because I have alot of folks around me who are easily offended, as am I truth be told. But I’m ready to put the book down. My normal, or new normal life is working with my mom, interning with an awesome ministry, and doing school. So my life ends up with me being away on most weekends and some weeks because of school. The crash comes when I’m “home” in Richmond.

I’ve come to find myself, if here for an extended period of time, apathetic in the worst way possible.

Now, lets check some of your possible fault finders on the list.

  • YES, I got to church! Not your church, but I do attend church at home.
  • YES, I do read my bible
  • YES, I do worship
  • YES, I do pray!

Now that we have that clarified, here’s my statement:

I’ve come to see that there are most definitely physical places that stunt your spiritual growth.

Nuff said?