It was almost a month ago…. its taken me awhile to get myself together from this one, so here’s what happened:

I was sitting in my car, waiting for one of my mom’s students to come out of class for pick up, I sat there reading something on my iphone, feeling peaceful, blissful almost. Suddenly I felt the urge to move my car up a few feet to insure I’d be out of the way of other people coming through the little driveway of thisĀ  school. After moving up, my eyes returned to my iphone reading some scripture on you-version. Seconds later my car door opens, and the student gets inside of my car.

Making small talk I ask, ‘ How was your day?’, to this he replies it was good. I put my hand on the gear shift in my car and went to move it, when suddenly I felt like I should, or I needed to go back to my bible app and read something. 2 seconds later, out of the corner of my right eye I see a SUV coming over the left side of my vehicle, crashing down into the ground, hitting three cars in front of me. In the midst of all of this chaos of the moment, I see a concrete boulder the school had planted as a barrier flying in the air and seemingly headed towards me. I’m sitting there screaming, ‘ Oh my God, Oh my God’ I look over at the kid next to me, ‘ Are you ok? Are we ok? Did we get hit?” he looks at me, shock evident in his young eyes, ‘ I don’t know, I think we’re ok,” At this point my windshield is covered in dirt and earth clay, my sunroof has rocks and pieces of concrete reflecting through the side I could see from the inside.

May 11th 2010, I met grace – unmerited favor.

So you get the point of this one, let me give you a little back story on all of this, but I must warn you, I’m honest to a fault and will reveal some of my ‘stuff’ I’ve been dealing with.

For weeks before the accident, I had been having a concern or paranoia that something bad was going to happen. Coupled with stress, aggravation, and a few trying times in my family I had all but given up on God, the church, and ministry itself.

told ya I was gonna be honest….

For a period of two weeks, while working on my finale presentation for school, I had been wrestling with my faith. Between immersing myself in my short film on God & Suffering, being frustrated with politics and the christian pov, questioning my self and motives, I was burned out. Burned out because I made it a point to be one of an open mind with a ‘bull dog’ faith, and yet watching other acting the opposite of Jesus, burned out because I tried to be strong and got reduced to the heart of a seven year old girl when my dad had a heart attack, burned out ‘cos I was working hard to keep it together.

to remain in control…

The night before, the crash, is when I realized what was going on in my life. I was dealing with panic.

Here’s what panic means to me: a fear of uncontrollable circumstances, unanswerable questions.

Sitting in the computer lab at school I began to shake, and have breathing problems because of pressure, anxiety and fear. I spoke out loud saying ,’I refuse to have a nervous breakdown at twenty-three because of pressure.’

The day of the crash was an interesting one by far. I woke up with a need for the word of God, after 3 weeks of intentionally avoiding church, church people, ministry stuff, reading my bible. I was sitting at my desk and asked God a question:

Did I screw myself with that last jump?

If you follow my blog, you’ll realize that the post directly before this one is the very post I wrote that day. I was sitting there feeling like I complicated my life, and stepped out of the will of God, not realizing I was only going through the oil press.

friend of mine said I’m olive oil…..

I was questioning my decision to leave new Life, questioning my decision on my major in school, questioning, questioning questioning. Then, because God is a good father and loves to give good gifts to his children he answered me, with this verse.

Isaiah 41:9-10

Telling you, ‘You’re my servant, serving on my side.
I’ve picked you. I haven’t dropped you.’
Don’t panic. I’m with you.
There’s no need to fear for I’m your God.
I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you.
I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.

So, no matter what you go through, are going through, have gone through, don’t panic. He won’t and hasn’t dropped you. I realized, because God showed me how he could and would spare me, I didĀ  not screw myself with that last jump, but indeed landed where I was supposed to. As for panic…. I’m learning not to. I’m learning to breathe, I’m learning to crawl…..

wait, thats a switchfoot song.

So all in all, all is well! All will be well, and remains it. Whats next? I’m not sure. I guess you’ll find out with the next post.