Dark Night of  The Soul Series: part 2

This one is on the G-word: Grief.

Grief is something I’ve never done well with. I stay consistently stuck in two of the said stages of grief: Pain/Guilt and Depression/Loneliness. I normally have some kind of upside to my posts, but again, I’ve never done well with grief.

So my best hope with this one is simply to let it be what it is….

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Today is Christmas Eve.

I’m not a  traditional person, so this isn’t a christmas post, at least I don’t think it is.

This morning I googled myself, pretty weird I know, looking for my old Blogspot Blog. Looking for the old me. 2005-2006 I went through the ringer of sorts. I experience a near fatal car crash, lost a nerve in my hand, lost five people who were dear to me, and was in and out of the hospital because I was sick and they didn’t know with what.

Life sucked back then.

in the almost four years since then I have had a constant struggle of fear. Fear of loss. Fear of depression, fear of myself and what I’ll turn into. I didn’t want to get close to people because you know what happens then…. I didn’t want to fall in love, because my best friends fiance soldier boy, left, promising to come home, and that he did in a body bag. So somehow in that time I stopped living, and started existing.  I walked around a shell of a person, needing to keep busy, needing to do the next BIG THING , scared of being alone and in the moment. Then about a year ago I ran into myself.

When I was 11 I went from children’s church to our youth group at FLM. Got connected with an awesome youth pastor, worship leader, and a fabulous spiritual mom and dad.

Howard and Diane Hawkins were/are the best folks I ever knew. Howard was just cool, funny guy, who deemed it his job to make us all laugh and love us with God’s love.  and Diane, well, she was just herself.

Diane was the one person I couldnt hide from. I was alittle actress back then, and still am to an extent. Diguising my depression and need for pain with humor and theatrics, and yet, like always she saw right through me. Engaged my broken winged personality through the ministry of dance. and thats where it began. My heart was reawakened to the 4 year old who dance with and before her father. Before everything was broken.

Diane died in August of 06, in the middle of my ‘GOD WHERE ARE YOU’ experience. Thats what did me in, truely. Out of everything I lost and endured in that time thats what broke me. I realize now I never grieved over her or any of the things I went through in that time, but I was slowing breaking apart, slowly fading. I have also come to know that in that moment of driving the hour distance to say goodbye, driving in my car alone, I choose to be alone. I now see that I have to catch myself, because if I’m not careful I’m in that car alone again, driving back from a funeral.

I used to think dying scared me, when in actuality its not true.

Its living that scares the hell of me, causes me to turn and run with my tail caught between those short legs of mine.

So what do I say to end this…..

I don’t know.

But I do know that life is a dance, and either you cut in or you sit down.

So thats what happened about a year ago, I ran into me, started dancing again and didn’t even know it.

happy christmas

God Bless You Derek Loux – even now continue to dance!

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