There are some things, people, places that will break your back, if you don’t break it.

* this blog might be alittle scattered, I have a mild concussion…..oh yeah!

Manipulation, Control, Neediness….


The past few weeks have been a healing process for me. I totally realized what exactly he had me under. I realized the faithfulness of God, in allowing this relationship to be ripped apart, knowing it wasn’t heathly for either one of us. All my life I prayed to do God’s will, knowing that living in His fullness would bring my greatest joy. At 19 I put everything up for grabs, my job, ministry, church, the boy, all of it, for what He wanted.

God rip this apart if you want to, ‘cos I want nothing but what you want.! – me at nineteen

Driving back to Richmond from Fort Mill last week, I was on the phone with a good friend. We were talking relationships, and discerning what is and isn’t God. I stressed the importance of knowing/discerning who you are involving yourself with.

thats a big truth to swallow.

So back to the begining, I’m in the process of healing.

I have felt the Lord contending with me to shake off the control and manipulation that he had me under and return to being HIS beloved in the field, His song of solomon. But I, myself couldn’t see that happening nor myself that way, as His beloved. It was a love struggle. Amie Dockery put it best, how when the Lord is enthralled by our beauty and tells us so, because of what we’ve been through and see ourselves as, we push him away instead of allowing Him to turn His gaze towards us, we turn away in shame, we mention all of our flaws….

How many times do we do that in life period?

Walking in the mall or at church someone says, ” Hey, nice jacket!” We say, ” Oh well there’s a stain on it” or ” I had nothing else to wear.” We immediately go and point our flaws in the face of a compliment or affection.

So now as God is turning His eyes towards me, and encouraging those things He has put in my heart, I turn away in shame pointing out my flaws. My technical inabilities, my weight, my hair, my skin, my issues…. those things He, God, our father finds beautiful and complete.

I know I’m all over the place here, but back on track I go:

God will not give a blessing to someone who will abuse it.

I remember as a kid I wanted a dog.

I promised my mom I’d feed it, walk it, take care of it, etc.

But she knew the truth, she knew if I didn’t have the capacity to keep the over 200 goldfish alive in my short 8 years of life ( yes, I was a goldfish hitman), if I couldn’t make my bed, or clean up my playroom, I probably couldn’t handle a dog.

In the same manner I believe God works the same way. He looks at those things we want, search out, and rates our maturity and whether we are ready.

Sometimes we heed that advice, and other times we force it.

I look at the situation with ‘him’ and realize now, from the past year of being single ( happily I might add ;-D), niether one of us were the right blessing for each other, let alone mature enough to honor God and this gift. with that said…. sometimes we force it.

In our dog senario, my sister went and snuck in a Labrador Retreiver in our home for us to keep. She didn’t take care of the dog, the dog got sick, and we had to nurse it back to health.

So what happens when we continue to force it….

Mistreatment causes the heart to be sick, and creates a need to be nursed back to health. I think because I forced it, I am now here, being nursed back to health. Impaired by the damage of mistreatment, impaired by my willingness to play with fireworks without adult supervision.

Little pieces of us, blown away by the dynamite of entrapment. the dynamite of incitement, the dynamite of my own will

I’ve been learning this thing called idiot proof…

Basically learning to not be complicated in my prayers, but trusting God in all things, believing in all things, and accepting them. So maybe a month or so ago my pastor prayed that over me. That out of all the doors open, only the one God would will, would remain available for me to walk through, and even if the door shut when I reached the entry way, I’d accept it. That even if my feelings got hurt, I’d submit….

the whole, if my feelings got hurt thing really intrigued me every time I heard it. See, I was always under the impression God didn’t really care about my feelings… BOY WAS I WRONG!

So yesterday I went through a process of learning the part in Idiot Proofing where you are okay even if its not what you want. I made my mind up about a week ago, I needed to stop giving God these useless tantrums and  get out of my spiritual terrible two’s…. anybody with me?

So when we force it, we are essentially saying I want this, whatever it may be, more than I want you and what you want. When we submit we say, if the door is open it is.

So what I learned what to submit even if my feelings got hurt. Truth is my feelings were hurt when I needed to end the relationship, my feelings were hurt when somethings went nutzo in ministry, my feelings was hurt when I didn’t get my way yesterday. But when He says no, I learn to trust He has my best interest at heart.

See here’s the reasons why:

1. the relationship was hazardous – damaging the seeds God placed inside of me ( and him, for that matter) and planting ones of insecurity about EVERYTHING

2. Teaching me that I didn’t need to fight for what the king gave me, nor will I fight to keep it. My reputation

3. Health wise I wasn’t up to going back down, I felt fine yesterday, but today I started getting shockwaves, and realizing how delicate my body is.

He knows all, see’s all, and give’s all. He knows what we don’t admit too, what we don’t yet see. He’s always gauging the effects of the world around us and chooses, like a good father, to remove those thing which would ultimately rob us of that which He’s seeded us with from the begining.

So here’s goes:

he no longer has grips on me. Every word spoken, false word specifically no longer holds me. I’m not subject to him, nor am I hung up by his string of “I want you” / “I dont want you”. I am not what he called me out as, nor what he hated me for. I am me. And there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing shallow about it, nothing ungodly, nothing ugly, and even if it was God loves ugly and makes it beautiful.

So there….

I’m done, I’m letting go, letting God, and more importantly, finally over you. You can’t hold me anymore, you don’t deserve me and never did. Your gravity is no longer pulling me down.