I’ve been for the most part hesitant to write this. Hesitant because alot of what I dealt with was painful, hesitant because what will people think, hesitant because I like my privacy or is it secrecy? The truth of the matter is if you don’t share what you’ve learned what proof is there that you’ve learned from it.

So here’s what I’ve learned….

1. Do not do a disservice to the image God by trashing the image of yourself….

The word of God says, we were created in His image, His likeness. So I look like Him, as a reflection of my self confidence and the world should think God looks like me from my witness. With that said, I did a disservice to the image of God, by trashing the image of myself.

I was the good girl, who liked bad boys. Bad boys who were bad boys then, or recovering bad boys. These bad boys were both vulgar toward themselves, and vulgar towards me, and I put up with it. So when people looked at me, the good girl, who was in church every Sunday, running cameras, leading a college group, I was also reflecting the girl who didn’t have enough self value or confidence in who God created me to be and who God was, that I settled for someone who would use me and abuse me.

2. I should pursue a love, that reflects THE love!

I thought I had it all right, after all I choose to not date because I wanted the first guy I actually dated to be the one. I thought I had it all right because I was saving my self emotionally and physically for marriage. But here’s where I went wrong. I was very easily caught up with emotional entanglements with the WRONG types of guys! They’re were 2 over the course of 3 years only one wasn’t a church goer and the other, well, just yuck!

Anyways, I realized in those “game” we played with each other, and pieces of heart we stole, we were in no way, shape, or form exhibiting the love declared for either one of us on calvary. God did not tease us! When Jesus was in the garden, he hurt deeply because of the love offering He was about to give, and yet even in His depths He didn’t turn around and say, ” ya know, I’m just not ready to commit, so I’ll just keep dancing around with you!” In the same manner, God did not tease of by saying He’d send a savior and letting him be crucified and the story end with no power. NO! He was fully committed and rose him from the dead, while He was holding the keys to death!

So playing the games of flirt flirt, hug hug, but no intention to try and love the best you can, its wrong and an epic fail! We are ultimately saying, I will reflect myself as one who doesn’t believe in sold out love. So again, we are made in the image of God and God looks like what we show the world, therefore we are showing the world God doesn’t fully commit to love in these types of relationships. Stay away from emotional entanglements! Trust me!

3. Lesson Learned

I’m sitting here listening to one of my favorite songs… Lesson Learned by John Mayer and Alicia Keyes. This song has made me think of so much, but specifically turned me to have a repentive spirit in regards to my relational pursuits. Don’t judge the artist, or the fact that this is a secular song, simply hear my heart.

What good is it to go through life learning nothing. How much pain, joy, suffering, successes do we need to go through to truly grow through them?

It took me a year of being separated from a particular person to learn and heal from what we went through together. It took awhile for me to stop wishing things turned out different, awhile for me to get out of bed and stop being depressed over regrets. See learning your lesson doesn’t mean everything is ok and there are no consequences, but it means to also know this is better and everything will get better. I don’t know who this is for, but what have you learned?

Here’s somethings I’ve learned:

1. God’s mercy and grace is sufficiant no matter how persistant I am fishing for trouble. I look at my life and realize I could be, at this very moment married to that one  guy, unhappy, being cheated on, and not growing in maturity but in selfishness.

2. I deserve better. I don’t think we need a side bar for that one. ;-D

3. I don’t always have to be strong, and when I’m weak its not a disappointment, but a chance to be rebuilt. The two year guy really played with that one. He would consistently remind me that my emotions were a sign of weakness and who would respect me if I shed a tear or said I couldn’t. His tatic may have been one to push me forward, but it did quite the opposite. I turned inward and hated myself for my emotions. My friend Christie taught me something I’ll never forget. She said, ” Emotions are niether good nor bad, its what you do with them that determines that!” So its okay to be scared, after all I am a woman, and from the beginning I was safe inside the chest of man. Its not weakness to feel weak or not strong enough, its humanity. My God, how can we reach past ourselves if we are not honest. So, its what I do with my fear that can make or break me.

4. Do not call Gods love a lie, by submitting to love that is abusive.

Nuff said?

All in all I feel blessed! I could’ve been somewhere completely different at this point. Now I free and pursuing my dreams, happy, single, and loving it.

I’m not saying don’t pursue relationships, I’m saying pursue that which reminds you of the father, otherwise RUN! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN. It will do you more damage than good. Believe me, I’ve spent the past year trying to get over him, and it just kept pulling me down like gravity! Watch out for those emotional entanglements, they sufficate you.

Sometimes they are unavoidable, but you learn to sit up, pick yourself up by the boot straps and get lost in HIM! Thats where I am. LOST, but in Him, and thats the easiest place to find me.